"Where you going?" "Mexico. I like tacos."

Good.
Grief.
I have been gone far too long.
I can't remember the last time I was here.
And life has changed for me dramatically since I first began this lowly blog.
Far too many people have read it that I never wanted to have read it. I have often regretted things I have wrote but have only erased my thoughts a few times, hoping that honestly in the end would prove to be the best road to travel. It often is. Verywell, it always is.

I am in Pensacola, and not enjoying myself very much. I will be honest - the military lifestlye and mindset does not suit me, as many people predicted it would not. For all of you out there smirking and saying "I told you so..."
Silence.
I already know.

I am at Aircrew Candidate School...and it is a candidate school. Like how there is officer candidate school? Same sort of setup. You have to pass, they can kick you out, and you are allowed to drop at any time.
And trust me, I've thought about dropping more times than I can count. Sometimes it is almost a physical battle against my mind to keep from simply stopping and saying "I'm done."
And yet at the same time I know it would be a physicaly mental battle to admit I was finished trying, that it was not for me.
I've never truly lost.
I always get what I want.
I am a spoilt, spoilt, spoilt little girl.
This I know.
I always know everything and when someone tells me "No." I generally change their mind or find a way to make "No." mean "Yes."
Is that messed up?
Yeah.
But its the way I am. I was raised to win.
Now I don't think thats the way my parents intended it to be. I look back now and I think I twisted around the things Dad would say to me and make them seem like he was trying to push me to be the best no matter what!
He isn't like that.
But I took his words and his actions and warped them to seem like he was pushing me to always exceed everyone around me.
I think I thought I was a lot better at things than I actually was...like soccer. I sucked at soccer. But in my mind I wasn't all that bad. Pride.
I have a slight problem with that too...

Not sure why this life update is turning into confession hour...

But God has taken care of me. I'm trying to figure out if this is where I'm supposed to be or if He wants to send me to Mass Communications school instead *hint hint hint hint hint hint cough cough cough*
And I think I secretly pray that I will be dropped from the program and be sent there. But the sad thing is, knowing God and the way my life tends to go, I'll be dropped and He'll be like "Well...about MC school...not so much...here, go be a corpsman."
And I'll be like "No."
But He is one guy that if you make His "No." a "Yes." you will live to regret it. As I am doing at this very moment. I know I wasn't supposed to join the military but I did. I worked my way around what I knew was right. And I'm paying a very heavy price for my pride. Very, very, very heavy price.
But He takes care of me. Always. Hasn't failed to do that yet.

So as I sit here and wallow in self pitty, almost wishing that I weren't hard working or motivated and that the instructors didn't have any respect for me, I have to continually remind myself that even though I made a mistake, He will take it and make it beautiful in the end. Painfuly...perhaps...but beautiful all the same.

I was able to go home and surprise the family (and Carol and sort of surprise Allen) for Thanksgiving! That was so much fun. I would take the day and 1/2 bus ride 20xs over to see the expression on my mom's face (And Katrina's!) again. I will never regret coming home, even if I couldn't really afford it and I spent more time on the bus than I did at home.
I don't care.
It was the best Thanksgiving I've ever had.

I do miss martial arts a lot.
A lot lot.
I miss the absolute certainty of it. The forms were always the same, no matter what. I missed the challenge and the power and assuredness I would feel in the dojo. Even if it was a terrible class and I was a complete failure during sparring, I would still leave with an incredible sense of accomplishment - I was doing something no one else does. Ok...a few people. But you know what I mean. I miss the people most of all I think. The jokes with Steve, the wisdom from Master Love, the innocent brilliance of Brandon, the inspiration of Mrs. Love, even the intimidation I always felt around Mark even when we were kids - he was the chubby 14 year old kid and there I was at 16 completely feeling like a fool when he would teach me something.
I miss all of it.
And I miss the security. It was always there. It had always been there. And it would always be there. That was more comforting than anything. When I was home I drove past the dojo and I just had to slow down and look at it for a moment, make sure it was there, make sure nothing was amiss, wish that I could climb those stairs and step onto that freezing cold floor, bowing as I came through the door. Even with the floor that always chipped and was falling apart, sometimes shoving huge splinters into your unsuspecting feet, even with the heat in the summer and the freezing in the winter, even with the smell of garbage that would come through the windows in the fall or the rain that would make it sometimes impossible to hear Master Loves instruction in the spring, and even when I was late to class and I knew that The Look was awaiting me, it is one of the most beautiful, peaceful places in this world.
I would be hard pressed to find a place more like home except for home itself.

Well, I am on a simple lunch break and must return to my duties for the day - which are very little seeing as I am waiting to see the doctor about my knee problems tomorrow so they won't let me PT with everyone else. I hate running but I've become accustom to it and its tearing me into small peices to be continually sitting around. I think I'll run tonight. Just to spite them...

I love you and miss you...all three of my readers! Hahaha! Let me know your alive, please?
-Shell