Promise of a Lifetime

I have fallen to my knees

As I sing a lullaby of pain

I'm feeling broken in my melody

As I sing to help the tears go away

Then I remember the pledge you made to me

I know you're always there

To hear my every prayer inside

I'm clinging to the promise of a lifetime

I hear the words you say

To never walk away from me and leave behind

The promise of a lifetime

Will you help me fall apart

Pick me up, take me in your arms

Find my way back from the storm

And you show me how to grow

Through the change

I still remember the pledge you made to me

I am holding on to the hope I have inside

With you I will stay through every day

Putting my understanding aside

And I am comforted

I know you're always there
To hear my every prayer inside
I'm clinging to the promise of a lifetime
I hear the words you say
To never walk away from me and leave behind
The promise of a lifetime

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http://www.purevolume.com/kutless

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Today hasn't been a very good day. I'm whining. I know. I'm just...sad. I'm dissapointed. In myself, in other people, and I know I've let people down, along with them letting me down. I know I'm not the person I wish I were. I know things aren't always going to go the way I wish they would go and I know I make some really stupid mistakes. And I have made a few. Recently. And gaaah...Today is a cry day. Just sit there and listen to this song and cry kind of day. I'm so lost in life right now. People keep telling me the same thing over and over and I don't know what to make of it. Things haven't gone how they were supposed to go. I'm just tired. That Bilbo quote keeps coming to mind.

"I feel thin, sort of streched, like butter scraped over too much bread."

But I know a very long holiday won't help anything. At least Bilbo knew how to fix everything and make it good again.

I feel like I've been dumped. Twice. Kinda sucks. Whatever though. Knew that was never gonna work out, and my stupid actions forced that other one to screw over. Perhaps I can salvage the second. But for what purpose? So I can bungle it again later? No. Why even bother. Really. All it will result in is another thing for me to look and at beat myself over the head for.

Plus I didn't get the Kansas Arts Grant. I needed that so badly. You have no idea how badly I needed that grant. And I was counting on it.

GAH! I hate this feeling! I see why girls sit there and cry for days when they've been dumped. We weren't even going out. In fact we had talked about how we weren't going to control the other and date other people if we felt so inclined. It just hurts. *laughs bitterly* We actually kinda did the same thing in the same week. He went for the stupid blonde chick and I decided to give Joe a chance. And Joe is a great, amazing guy. He really is. I like him a lot. Not that I would ever have the guts to tell him that, but whatever. And I hate myself that I can't just sit back and say "Whatever. Do what you want. I don't care. We agreed to go ahead with life, and we both did." but it just hurts a lot. I don't want to turn dating Joe into a rebound kind of thing. He doesn't deserve that. Good grief! Allen and I weren't even dating! We just had a weird...whatever you want to call it. And I wasn't even going to give Joe a chance because I didn't want to hurt Allen! Then Allen found out and said we should move on if we felt we needed to. And obviously he felt the need too. I hate pain. SEE! YOU SEE!! RIGHT THERE! This is why Shell doesn't date! This is why Shell has this wall that people are not allowed to pass. I hate sitting here and crying because someone else did something to hurt me. I can cry over myself and over other people's pain, but this...this is the worst feeling in the world. Its kinda taken a while to sink in, but I talked to Mariha about it today and she just said "It hurts, doesn't it." and I realized, yeah, it did hurt. A lot.

-Shell