Opening Proposals

NOTE TO LENDIEL: Thanks for the Opening Night flowers! *hugs*

Someone just kill me now. Put me out of my bleeding misery before I do it myself.

The show.

Yes. That show. You know the one. The one I've been rambling about for the past month. The one I've forced all of you to promise to attend. The one I was so incredibly proud of myself for landing because woohoo, look at me, in high school and on a college stage. Yeah. Go Shell. Too bad you had to screw it up! Too bad your more of an amateur then you ever even dreamed, or even imagined in your worst personal evaluations. Too bad...just too freakin bad.

I was zombie before lights came down. I was zoning out. It was weird because I'm usually bouncing off the walls with energy on opening nights (those of you who have seen me can attest to that. I talk non-stop and laugh and yell and whoop and crack jokes the entire 2 hours before show), but tonight I was calm beyond reason. Then lights came down and I'm standing there with my stick and I look over and Ryan and he's pumped and I suddenly realized it was opening night and got all this energy and I was so excited. And the audience was laughing and...

Yeah. They were laughing. My bloody kryptonite.

Those of you who personally know me, know I laugh at anything even remotely funny. And if I walk into a room of laughing people, I'll start laughing with them. I have no idea why. I have had this affliction since I can remember. Tess tried as hard as she could while we were on tour to beat it out of me (not literally of course...don't get all alarmed), but it didn't work. I hear people being amused and it amuses me.

This would not be a problem if I could just lock myself into character and be Josie for the entire play. But we have to wait for them to stop laughing. I can't just loose myself in the character because I have to be extremely aware of the audience and know when to come in.

I screwed the entire first act. I didn't even realize how badly until I talked to my little brother and Mariha after the show. I got a hint of how bad it was when Scott was saying "Amateur!" during intermission, but Micah kinda concreted it down for me. It was awful. I actually let out a small laugh at one point (Karra was sniggering too, but that is no excuse). Please pardon me while I have a moment of utter self-loathing and embarrassment. Don't tell me I'm just a perfectionist and I see the negative in everything I do that isn't perfect. This was...I dunno. I've never had that bad of a character break that many times. Ever. In my entire life. And I've been on stage since I was 6.

I finally figured out how to avoid laughing, but that was after intermission. I know I must look very very blank when they laugh. I think of something really horrible that pisses me off and I manage to suppress the mirth. But I would rather be blank than laughing along with the crowd.

I don't even know. I could ramble about this for hours and you still wouldn't even begin to understand how badly I've disappointed myself. And I don't know which was worse: disappointing my self, or the look on Scott's face. Whatever. Its just a great big pride issue that I need to get over immidiatly. I don't know one actor who has ever had a perfect show, let alone a perfect opening night. I didn't drop a line (skipped one, but it didn't matter), and it wasn't really a problem second act. Must stop the pitty party.

-Shell

P.S. Just to let you know, as a whole the show was very good. The other cast members were phenominal and the crowd loved the entire production. I'm proud to work with this cast. They are the best fellow actors I've ever had (except for "Annie"...no cast will ever beat that cast)