Fear. But why?

*ahem* Please excuse the pure adrenaline and immaturity in that last post. *coughs* I don't really care what you think but...I shall be polite and apologize.

I want to see the cast list again and check who made what and if I know any of them. The only person I saw was Chad, and thats because his name was under mine. And he got the part of 'Ray'. Weird....totally weird. I have only met him a couple times, at the Coffee House with Chase and then another time with Brady, and he was kind of a jerk.

Rachel said "Oh! Wow! You'll have fun with that. He's great." when I told her who was casted as 'Ray'.

But I just didn't see that in him. Hope he is a jolly fellow though, otherwise, it'll be a little...uumm...yeah. Annoying. And will make me mad. Which will cause me to loose my temper. Which is never a decent thing to see. I end up with him at the conclusion of the play I think...and ugh! I just really don't know what I'm going to do. I do not have time to play a part like this, but I am taking it anyway. I despise the first week of practice. You don't know anyone, and they all look at you with looks of doom because you are new. I know the stage manager...Yay! But I dunno...its a little nerve wracking.

Yesterday at call-backs was the first time that I can ever remember being so nervous that my hand was shaking. NEVER happens. I don't get scared on stage. I am proud to say that my hand was the only thing that gave me away. Everything else was calm and cool and collected and perfect (heh), except my stupid hand. Maybe it was just because I was weak from...hunger? Yeah. I hadn't eaten hardly anything. I was simply physicaly weak! Nothing mental...well...ok. I lied. It was mental.

I DON'T WANNA GO TO READ THROUGH!! *sobs* ...its not that bad. But seriously...I'm a little freaked out. At least with Community Theatre I had a show that I was a minor supporting role in first. I got to know everyone and did the show with a whole bunch of my friends. Then I did 'Big', as the lead role, and it was ok. I knew people and I knew the director and what she would expect (not much) and...*Sigh* This is all...so...a little lonely for me. I don't know anyone there. I can get over that and work with it, but it just kinda sucks. Sure, I'll get to know people, and the Stage Manager and I get along well, but the cast...yeah...plus I'm 17. They are all at least 19-20's. Me and my underaged self.

My biggest fear I think is not being the reject there (not a new experiance, so not really a big fear), but not being able to hack it. Not being able to do the level of acting they expect of me. This is the highest level theatre I've ever done. I am terrified of that. Sure, I know I can act, but how well? I am no judge of myself, everyone has a different standard they hold people up to. So what will they expect, and am I able to reach it? And what happens if I can't?
I CAN! *hits head on table* I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can....*starts laughing*

I'm getting a little too deep for a blog entry. lol...sorry if I'm scaring all you people who never hear me actually think about anything, or express any emotion besides anger or...embarassment (hehehe).

Weehee! Joel, Johnathan, Judah and Jason came down from Topeka this weekend (for like, 3 hours) and they are here visiting me! Actually...they are on the computers at the moment, but they came and I'm happy. There were hugs all around and jokes. How many people get hugged in a library? Heh. Not many, that I can tell you. I miss those guys. I lot. *hugs the previously mentioned people*

*sigh*

Later

-Shell

p.s. Its cold in here.