"Where you going?" "Mexico. I like tacos."

Good.
Grief.
I have been gone far too long.
I can't remember the last time I was here.
And life has changed for me dramatically since I first began this lowly blog.
Far too many people have read it that I never wanted to have read it. I have often regretted things I have wrote but have only erased my thoughts a few times, hoping that honestly in the end would prove to be the best road to travel. It often is. Verywell, it always is.

I am in Pensacola, and not enjoying myself very much. I will be honest - the military lifestlye and mindset does not suit me, as many people predicted it would not. For all of you out there smirking and saying "I told you so..."
Silence.
I already know.

I am at Aircrew Candidate School...and it is a candidate school. Like how there is officer candidate school? Same sort of setup. You have to pass, they can kick you out, and you are allowed to drop at any time.
And trust me, I've thought about dropping more times than I can count. Sometimes it is almost a physical battle against my mind to keep from simply stopping and saying "I'm done."
And yet at the same time I know it would be a physicaly mental battle to admit I was finished trying, that it was not for me.
I've never truly lost.
I always get what I want.
I am a spoilt, spoilt, spoilt little girl.
This I know.
I always know everything and when someone tells me "No." I generally change their mind or find a way to make "No." mean "Yes."
Is that messed up?
Yeah.
But its the way I am. I was raised to win.
Now I don't think thats the way my parents intended it to be. I look back now and I think I twisted around the things Dad would say to me and make them seem like he was trying to push me to be the best no matter what!
He isn't like that.
But I took his words and his actions and warped them to seem like he was pushing me to always exceed everyone around me.
I think I thought I was a lot better at things than I actually was...like soccer. I sucked at soccer. But in my mind I wasn't all that bad. Pride.
I have a slight problem with that too...

Not sure why this life update is turning into confession hour...

But God has taken care of me. I'm trying to figure out if this is where I'm supposed to be or if He wants to send me to Mass Communications school instead *hint hint hint hint hint hint cough cough cough*
And I think I secretly pray that I will be dropped from the program and be sent there. But the sad thing is, knowing God and the way my life tends to go, I'll be dropped and He'll be like "Well...about MC school...not so much...here, go be a corpsman."
And I'll be like "No."
But He is one guy that if you make His "No." a "Yes." you will live to regret it. As I am doing at this very moment. I know I wasn't supposed to join the military but I did. I worked my way around what I knew was right. And I'm paying a very heavy price for my pride. Very, very, very heavy price.
But He takes care of me. Always. Hasn't failed to do that yet.

So as I sit here and wallow in self pitty, almost wishing that I weren't hard working or motivated and that the instructors didn't have any respect for me, I have to continually remind myself that even though I made a mistake, He will take it and make it beautiful in the end. Painfuly...perhaps...but beautiful all the same.

I was able to go home and surprise the family (and Carol and sort of surprise Allen) for Thanksgiving! That was so much fun. I would take the day and 1/2 bus ride 20xs over to see the expression on my mom's face (And Katrina's!) again. I will never regret coming home, even if I couldn't really afford it and I spent more time on the bus than I did at home.
I don't care.
It was the best Thanksgiving I've ever had.

I do miss martial arts a lot.
A lot lot.
I miss the absolute certainty of it. The forms were always the same, no matter what. I missed the challenge and the power and assuredness I would feel in the dojo. Even if it was a terrible class and I was a complete failure during sparring, I would still leave with an incredible sense of accomplishment - I was doing something no one else does. Ok...a few people. But you know what I mean. I miss the people most of all I think. The jokes with Steve, the wisdom from Master Love, the innocent brilliance of Brandon, the inspiration of Mrs. Love, even the intimidation I always felt around Mark even when we were kids - he was the chubby 14 year old kid and there I was at 16 completely feeling like a fool when he would teach me something.
I miss all of it.
And I miss the security. It was always there. It had always been there. And it would always be there. That was more comforting than anything. When I was home I drove past the dojo and I just had to slow down and look at it for a moment, make sure it was there, make sure nothing was amiss, wish that I could climb those stairs and step onto that freezing cold floor, bowing as I came through the door. Even with the floor that always chipped and was falling apart, sometimes shoving huge splinters into your unsuspecting feet, even with the heat in the summer and the freezing in the winter, even with the smell of garbage that would come through the windows in the fall or the rain that would make it sometimes impossible to hear Master Loves instruction in the spring, and even when I was late to class and I knew that The Look was awaiting me, it is one of the most beautiful, peaceful places in this world.
I would be hard pressed to find a place more like home except for home itself.

Well, I am on a simple lunch break and must return to my duties for the day - which are very little seeing as I am waiting to see the doctor about my knee problems tomorrow so they won't let me PT with everyone else. I hate running but I've become accustom to it and its tearing me into small peices to be continually sitting around. I think I'll run tonight. Just to spite them...

I love you and miss you...all three of my readers! Hahaha! Let me know your alive, please?
-Shell

Courage is not always a roar. Sometimes it is that still small voice at the end of the day saying "I will try again tomorrow".

Here I am in Pensacola...
I know I've been MIA for quite some time.
Yes, it is true, what they say about sailors.
All they do is drink and smoke and cuss and fight and sit around.
Except for me! No drinking, smoking, cussing or fighting, and I work hard (comparatively) every day.
So all I do right now is work out. We go out, "get beat" for hours a day and then do whatever we want after 3:00. Its not bad. I get paid to be forced to stay in good shape!
I'm on hold at aircrew candidate school.
And I just realized I need to go do something NOW
I'll talk more later!!
-Shell

Boot Camp...= boring.

Ok.
So.
Boot camp.
Was boring. I am now an official United States Sailor. Hooyah.
Heh...
So I have a couple hours off this weekend.
Carol, I haven't call you and this is why - am with Fiancee this weekend :) If next week you get a random phone number on your phone - ANSWER IT. Its a payphone in IL, that I will have to use for a while cause I'm not allowed to have my cell for a while still.
This keyboard SUCKS so I'm not going to say anything else much except that I'm alive...didn't fall off any boats...yet...but they tuahgt us what to do if we DO fall off a boat. And told us that if you do, and they don't find you within the first 2 mins, you could end up as far as 20 miles away from the boat before they do. If they ever do.
Scary?
Slightly.
Love ya, miss ya, will perhaps give a detailed account later...
-Shell

Oh dear mother of roses and violets...I hate ignorant people.

I leave for basic at the end of July : ) And I will be absent for two whole entire months. And then often absent after that I suppose. Aircrew begins! Pain and agony begins...But I'm looking forward to it, not gonna lie. Is that sick and twisted? Probably.

I have been in a strange mode of lates. And I mean mode, not mood. I've kind of been on autopilot. I'm so tired and yet I just keep truckin' on. I'm so bored and yet I keep doing the same thing over and over. I'm so annoyed and yet I keep silent. I'm incredibly anxious and yet earily calm. I feel like I'm going to explode and yet I am more relaxed than I have ever been.

Its not good, friends. Its not good. I think I'm starting to freak out about leaving, about giving up control of what I do for the next six years. I wish other people were excited about my decision. The general reaction is "Wow...I didn't know that...I didn't know that...so your not going to keep singing? Or theatre? Because you really are incredible!"

Yeah? Well too bad. I'm tired of it. I mean, I love it. But I'm tired of it. So yeah...

I know I sound depressed but I'm actually not...I'm in a really good mood today. I'm tired, but in a good mood. Again! I want to lay down and sleep and at the same time I want to go on a couple mile run!

ANYWAY. Now that you know that Shell is a walking basket-case...

Yeah.
I'm trying to think...hhmm...I have a young protegie! He is young and he is overweight and he is leaving for the Navy a couple weeks after me. And I am beating him and its fun!
Beating means PTing...by the way...a beating in the military is just getting a harsh workout. And I'm not beating him very badly at all, actually. Poor kid can only do 50 pushups in 2 min and they are in terrible form at that! And only 30 situps. But then, I only got 97 yesterday and I was kinda annoyed about that. And only 60 pushups *super sad face* *super annoyed face*

I don't even know why I'm updating! I shoudld be memorizing my lines...*sigh*

Please, comment, let me know you are alive and breathing. I do care.
-Shell
P.S. I refuse to spell check or proof read before posting. HA!

Apprehensive much? Perhaps.

Apprehensive
Function:
adjective
Date:
14th century
1 : capable of apprehending or quick to do so : discerning
2 : having apprehension : cognizant
3 : viewing the future with anxiety or alarm

I'm gonna go with # 3.

I don't know why. I just suddenly felt an overwhelming sense of anxiety about...life.
I seriously am like, almost freakin' out. Its weird. I don't get like that very often. Ever, actually.
I kind of realized how much I have to get done before I leave for the Navy.
Including learn how to swim like a fish.
And run a couple miles (I used to be able to, but I stopped running for a while after I couldn't go Marine Corps and lost it), and do pushups forever and...SO MUCH STUFF!
And sometimes it just hits me that holycow! I'm actually going to start life! So far I've just kind of...lived.
I feel like I have no time. Like life is just coming at me a million miles an hour and I'm stuck to the ground, too afraid to move out of the way, part of me not wanting to because I want to know what it will feel like when it hits me.

I need to go write.
-Shell

It was the plan, it wasn't the plan...that wasn't the question...

So

Chicago was AMAZING.

I found some really fantastic "art"...on a doorway on State Street....

Also paid a visit to the Museum of Contemporary Art (Allen in apparently into modern art...who knew? Obviously not his girl friend...)

And found what looks to me to be a man upchucking. It was the sign for the water fountains....

And all in all, we had a great weekend, even when he stole my little sisters scarf (which...I stole from her...so fairs fair I suppose...)

AND my glorious sparkly silver hat...and wore them both...in public...I worry sometimes...I worry...*laughs*

Also, this last Friday I joined the Navy.

The one in the United States.

Controlled by the US government. So don't worry, no Blackwater for me. I will be doing "legal" things.

Aircrew.

Fun stuff.

Really.

I'm excited. Except for boot camp, which in the Navy is really lame'o'rhama.

Allen wasn't too happy, but he's ok now. I think. Or he's pretending. I can't tell over the phone. I hate the phone. Sometimes I want to smash it...

I have to learn how to swim now. I mean, I can swim to the point where I won't DIE, but otherwise...I'm going to look like a COMPLETE idiot in front of my recruiters. Which is stupid. I hate looking dumb.

I want to go to the gym today but I'm not going to have time. I went yesterday for a long time and my muscles don't hurt but my joints do. Which is stupid...I think my recruiter might make me go work out when I go up there for paperwork crap today. Greeeeaaaatt....just great. I workout alone, and I like it that way.

*mutters darkly*

I miss Allen.

I'm failing math class.

I'm a slacker.

I can't sleep at night.

And I haven't been to church in a long time. And want to go. But its Tuesday. So...its not gonna happen. I miss church...

Love,

-Shell

This is My Country

I can't really vent here anymore thanks to a retarded move on my part so...hi people. Wish I could tell ya', but I can't.

On another note, I'll be in Chicago this weekend! Hooray! Going to see Allen for a couple days and will be back Monday night. ALMOST Canada! Haha!

Excuse me while I go punch something really hard.

Speaking of which - I was singing the other day (making it up I believe) and I was wearing glasses but at a dramatic part in the song I tossed them onto the counter in mock frustration. I was also wearing a hat and at the high point in the song where the character finally just gives up (or whatever I had the character do) I whipped off my hat and went to chuck it across the room.
Unfortunately for me, when I can't see I have no depth perception. And I ended up punching the heck out of a chair instead.
It hurt.
Badly.
I have bruises.
I can finally bend all my fingers straight again, though! Hooray.

That crap about people protesting outside of a Marine Recruiting office and blocking off kids trying to enlist or the recruiters in to do their jobs made me angry beyond all reason.
So angry I cried because there was nothing I could do about it. It seriously broke my heart and made me sick to my stomach. How could you become so liberal that you are essentialy an alien in your own country?
Why don't we just get rid of the military? Eh?
Thing is there honey, that you gotta get rid of everyone elses too or else you'd be in some deep shyte. Please, excuse me while I go support the people that make sure I'm not obliviated by a nuclear missle.
Yeah.
And excuse me if I don't hesitate to punch you in the face if you ever try to throw your bullcrap on me. I have watched my friends and godparents and family and now, my best friend give their entire lives to their country. Sure, so far all of them are still alive. But I know every single one of them would die without question if it meant keeping the rest of the United States out of harms way. Keep them ignorant of the world around them.
But sure, why not? Why don't you spit on them in the streets? Why don't you picket against what they do for a living? Why don't you go protest their funerals? Why don't you do you best to make sure that less and less young people step up to the plate and defend your civil right to do so??
Oh wait.
You already are.

Please, excuse me while I weep for my country and what its people have become. Call me overly conservative and intollerant? Maybe that will balance your liberalism and ignorance.

You think we have an immigration problem? Think again.
-Shell

NEXT! Please, take your shoes off before passing through the metal detector.

So Sixth, I'm checkin' out Blackwater right now...I have never heard of it but these people ROCK! Too bad you have to be the craziest baddass EVER to join them! I'm tellin' Allen about these people...wow...I'm amazed...I like how their website is very vague about exactly what they do, but the pictures of men running in full gear carrying their M16s and SAWs pretty much answered all my questions. And the fact that you need to be qualified as things like a sniper, Army Ranger, and Navy SEAL in order to join helped with the mental picture I'm getting in my head. MAN, I WANT TO JOIN THAT!! Too bad America won't let women train to be assasins in the military. Stupid mothertruckers...ANYWAY, how did the crazy Canadian man know about this but the violence *COUGH* I MEAN ADVENTURE loving American had no idea??!!

I'm pretty much physched and I think I'm going to become obsessed with this "organization" really fast. I do that...like how I am just slightly obssesed with the SEALs. And a little with the SAS. And the Marines. Though that last one has become really painful to think and read about.

SO...I'm still confused as heck. If some crazy people who trained women to do crazy things (NO, prostitution does NOT count. I KNOW at least ONE of you went there so I'm callin' ya back, NOW) in the name of good (and ya know what, at this point, possibly evil) and all that, I would do it. I wish Robin Hood was around. Or I could be Mulan. I just want an frigging adventure with life threatening situtions! DO YOU MIND?!?! And people are like "No, Shell, you don't. When the time comes you won't."

But people, you don't understand, there are very fews things in this world sweeter than not being able to do something at first and then working your butt off and finally getting it. The thing I was looking forward too the most with the Marine Corps was boot camp and being deployed. I didn't even really care what I actually did in the Marines, I just wanted to go to boot camp and be the best one there, and be deployed to somewhere highly dangerous too see how it feels to get shot at. I've always wondered. And I think it would be the most mind blowing experiance EVER because you could die at any second! And it would make living so freaking sweet! But if you died then it'd all be over so...it wouldn't really matter. And if you were shot but didn't die then you would know how much pain your system could take.

I have a very sick and twisted mind.

Not gonna lie.

Carol, don't let your mom read this - I'll never be able to visit your family again!!

Sixth, don't let YOUR mom read this - I'll never...well...I don't know...she might have nightmares? Sure, we'll go with that. Heck, YOU might have nightmares! Still want me to email you? Think on that...*laughing* **and NOT the evil kind, though at this point I'm sure thats all you can imagine**

ANYWAY.
No plan.
No direction.
Floating.
Willing to work for money. Or for free cause I'm that bored.
Extremely willing to do something ridiculously stupid and dangerouse.
If you have any ideas (and Blackwater has already been used so think up something new here people cause I've got a lot of training to do before I can join those crazy baddasses) please, let me know.

Also I was supposed to talk to the Navy yesterday and they never showed up. Yeah. Thanks guys. Love you too. YOU CALLED ME! WHAT GIVES?!?! Jerks...thats why I wanted to join the Marine Corps! AAAAA!! *throws things around in complete frustration*

Yeah, I'm free to do whatever else I want.

Thing is.

I don't have anything I want to do except you know, things I can't like...train with Buddist monks for the next 5 years and learn to beat the living crap out of anyone (including my insane Navy SEAL boyfriend. Hello boyfriend...not that he reads this, being a baddass who doesn't like to read...) at any time. I really just want an adventure. ANY KIND of adventure. But where do I start?!!
I love you all (all...um...2 of you? Yeah. Sure. Why not?) and hope your doing ok.
Sixth, I'm off to email you the most innapropriate moments in cinema history.
-Shell

BUT INSTEAD

So I had messed up protien levels. Again
And I was Disqualified from the Marines.
And now I'm more depressed than I have ever been in my entire life. Ya'll know me - I bounce back like a freakin tennis ball. But I don't think I have ever cried so hard in my entire life. I honestly cannot remember ever crying that hard.
Apparently it is a symptom that can lead to kidney problems and diabeties???? THE HECK! I don't understand!
I work out at least 2 hours almost every single day. I have played soccer all my life, done martial arts, never been sick a day in my life! I honestly can only remember even having the flu a couple times in my entire life.
And I felt like this was really what I was supposed to do.
I have never been so confused. I am just...lost. I feel like I'm standing in this empty room without any doors. And its a really boring room with nothing to do and no where to go. I've never NOT had a direction to go. Ever. I have always known exactly what I wanted to do.
I just don't understand.
What now?
WHAT FREAKING NOW?!?!
I'm sorry you guys have to hear me rant. Its not something I should be yelling at anyone, I'm just so frustrated and I've never wanted a hug so badly. I don't really like hugs (unless they're from Allen and thats a different story, haha), I mean, they are ok and I hug people but I never WANT a hug.
And now I do.
But there is no one to hug.
People say they are sorry and "It must not be God's plan."
WELL THEN WHAT IS?!?! DO YOU MIND?!!?!
I hate crying. It sucks. And its hurting my eyes. I need to go take my contacts out...

Love you all, and miss you. SIXTH! Step lively my Candian friend! CAROL! Lets do something retarded this summer, eh?
-Shell

Yes, And Here You Are. Longest Story Ever.

I feel solicited...yes, Sixth, I feel a hint of filth overcoming my life...*gags*

You ask why the Marines or why the military in general?
Its one and the same and yet not.
And some days, I have no idea. Like last night I was phsyched! I was ready to go and wanted to run around like a crazy person except that I had to care for small children and was about to fall over from lack of sleep. Sort of...not lack of sleep really...it'll come later in the story!

Now sit back, grab some popcorn and whatnot my dear fellows because this story is a whopping big one and its not even really begun!! If you have that program that reads it out loud for you, I would advise to switch it on because I realize I have yet to give a true chronicle of my adventures leading up to the Marines and people...ITS TIME!
Plus I just love blogging *laughs* WRITING! It just makes me happy inside : )

OH! Before I forget...no...that will be in the story.
And so without freakinfurther ado! Here we go...

____________

I was fourteen years old when the first file containing my desire to join the military was filed. My dear Uncle came to visit the fall of my Freshman year in high school and he was in the Air Force. I believe by that time he had recently retired, but was still full of stories. I think he would still be in it if he hadn't gotten married - he enjoyed his time there for the most part. And I remember listening to his crazy stories about the countries he had been too and the fearful situations he had gotten himself out of and going "SWEET!!"

I was a patriotic kid (you people have no idea. I.E. When Bush won the 2004 election, my sister and I created posters which we attached to ourselves and wore the entire day that proclaimed his victory and our jubilation!), and the military was always something that struck pride in my heart. I would see people in uniform and it would just make me so proud of my country! I would see old vets saluting the flag and wish that I had earned the right to salute instead of doing the old Civy Hand-Over-Heart. But I was a kid, and there was yet time.

So during the time my Uncle was at our house, I was overcome with the sudden urge to eat yogurt in the middle of the night. Well, probably 12:30 or so. Being fourteen I couldn't drive, and my parents were ready for bed. But the Uncle was not! He said "LETS GO!" And we hopped in his car and went.

And somehow we got into the subject of the military. I have documented evidence of that evening (I was a crazy journaling fiend even then) and I told him that I would love to join! But only the Marines or the National Guard. Don't ask me why the NG, because I doubt I even knew what it was except for what my Uncle had told me. But I knew what the Marines were - the most kick butt soldiers in the world save for Special Forces.

He told me I could do it! He said it was something to be proud of! And I believe him and it stuck with me. I never forgot that conversation. Except that I did and remembered only after reading my old journals a few months ago! *laughing* And the more I read my old journals, the more I've found references to the military and most times, the Marines. They were freaking crazy! In my eyes they had no fear - they served their country and that was it. No questions asked. The End. That appealed to me for some reason and still does.

Years past and I was still on my theatre kick. I loved it, I breathed it, I lived it. Nothing else mattered more than being on that stage when those lights came up and knowing the audience was there and yet not caring one whit about it because you were about to give the performance of your life.
It didn't happen like that every time, but when it did it made all the other performances worth it.
Apparently over the years I talked about the Marines to others. My friends and siblings. My friends remember me and Allen talking about the military and how we wanted to join and thinking we were both crazy! Ha! Look at us now...WAY crazier than they thought we were!! And time passed and it always stuck with me. There were little brochure stands set up around my college with information on the Marines and I would pass them all the time and stare at them for a moment - but theatre was the goal and it takes a heck of a lot to change my mind about something.

But something changed in the fall of last year. I started to hate theatre. Not hate I suppose, but I lost the drive for it.
I have been on stage since I was four years old. Most people can't claim to have done anything for 15 years until they hit at least 35 or s0. I am 19 and I can! I have been on stage and loved it since I was 4. Burn out was bound to happen eventually (this is why I worry about child actors, but thats another story for another time).
And with burn out close at hand I began to wonder "What now??!!"
Theatre was my life and all I knew. Its still all I really know.
And the only other thing I had ever considered was the military. It appealed to everything in me that was patriotic and small town - which was most of me. Part of me said "Your out of your freakin' mind, Shell! No! DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT WOULD MEAN?!?!"

Well...no.

So I started to research.
The Marines.
Everyone else was pansies.
I looked them up. I wanted to know. I wrote about my desire to join and blogged it (not here), talked to a few people and the general response was "Your crazy."
And I was afraid.
That only fueled the fire.
I love conquering fear! Its one of my favorites! I love being afraid when you start and when you are done looking back and seeing that fear gone! Its like nothing else.

I poked around about it.

Then Allen joined the Navy and I just went "SUPER! What now?!?!" Because when you finally love someone, what they do jacks around with your life. I didn't feel like I could join the Marines or if I did, people would look down on me thinking that I had joined because of him, or that I had joined to spite him.
It was neither. I just wanted to do it.
He and I chatted about it and I honestly don't think he thought I would do it -that it was probly a fling or that I wouldn't mess around with our relationship that much.
How wrong he was...
He left for boot camp asking that I talk to his mother about the military before I decided to join. She had been in the Air Force.
I talked to her.
She said I could do it, but that it would probly mean the doom of mine and Allen's relationship.

And here people is where we see the crazy selfish side of Shell.

Either I didn't believe her or I was willing to take the risk.

I called the Marines.

And as I punched "Send" on my phone, my heart stopped and I just thought "What am I doing." And nearly hung up.
And when I heard a voice, my heart started again at about 150.
But it was only voicemail!!
I left them my information and hung up, thanking God that it had been that easy and a big part of me hoping that they never called me back.
Two minuets later the phone rings. I jump about a mile high and grab it with lighting quick fingers, flicking the top open to see the number I had just dialed moments before as the ID for the incoming call.
And I almost died. Right then. Death.
I almost didn't answer it. Almost let it go to voicemail.
But I looked at the slight reflection of myself on that little screen and thought "YOU ARE NOT A PANSY!! ANSWER THAT FRICKING PHONE!"
*pause*
*DEEP breath*
*wants to puke*
*MUSNT!*
"Hello?"
"Is Rachele there?"
"This is she."
"Rachele this is Staff Srgnt....."

And away the questions went. I can't remember a scarier phone conversation. We arranged to meet the next evening and I hung up, looked at myself in the mirror and said "WHAT HAVE I DONE?!?!"
And I'm sure it won't be the last time.
I somehow got up the courage to tell my parents what I was doing (I had never mentioned it to them. In five years, I had never said a word to them about it) and the next day I was off to my appointment.
I wanted to throw up.
I wanted to not show up.
I wanted to call and tell him that something came up and the Marines were not for me.
I was scared. Crazy scared.
But as I looked across the street from my car into the window of that office and saw those posters on the wall telling me to have courage, I somehow found the guts to get out of the car, walk across the street and open the door.

I swear they weighted that door on purpose.

I pull at it and I can feel it isn't locked, but that sucker is stayin there!!
I yank at the door and after a tug-O-war worthy of the Olympics, I hauled that sucker open and stepped inside.
VICTORY WAS MINE!
But then the scared out of my mind-ness came back with the vengeance.
BUT! I have had practice being a tough girl. I grew up being the tough girl. I didn't have many girlfriends in high school and the couple that I did were ok with me being the biggest tomboy I could be. I just muttered "Shell, PRETEND! Its what you do."

The guy behind the desk just looks like a normal guy. He isn't 9 feet tall with arms as big around as my head, with a voice like a movie trailer announcer and eyes that never loose the Thousand Yard Stare.
He's a normal lookin' guy. With a normal voice. And normal eyes. A bit of a Southern accent. And he smiles when I walk into the office. I like when people smile. I tend to smile too much I suppose, but it always makes me happy when people smile. And I found myself smiling right back and a bit of that fear slipped away.

He stood, introduced himself and I shook his hand with a bow in my trained Martial Arts custom. After taking a seat he got right to the point "So why are you interested in the Marines?"

AWAY WE WENT!!

And when I left that office, I knew it was for me.
I wanted that they had to offer me.
And I wanted it bad.

I took my Dad down there to meet the recruiter a few days later to ask questions so he would be more ok with it, and told the Srgnt I would call after the weekend to let him know for sure if this was something I wanted to do.

I cried on the way home that night, knowing that I was going to tell him "I want to be a Marine." and that my life would never be the same. Even if I was disqualified somehow, just making that decision would change who I was and how my family saw me.
Most of all, it would change Allen and I.

*pause*
FEAR.
But it was what I was supposed to do!! So he called and I said "Sir, I want to be a Marine."

Away my life went! Talk about lifes situations changing every 3, 6, and 9 months!!
But problems ensued!!
The first time I went to MEPS (which is the processing step. You go down and have a physical check up and take the ASVAB so they can tell if you are retarded or not. Though I know some seriously stupid people who scored ridiculously high on that test), my SS# had been entered into the system wrong and I had to sit all day. You go down on a Friday, stay the night in a hotel and get up at at 0400 to go process.
So at 0530 they tell me that I'll be sitting on my butt all day because the last 4 of my SS# were somehow the last 4 of my phone number!! I laughed. A little.
I sit. I wait. I leave. I go back.
And this time, all is going smoothly. I'm truckin' along!! I score an 86 on the ASVAB (not too shabby, but not as well as I would have liked), and I'm passing everything! EVERYTHING!! But the last step is a UA for your protein levels.
Now, I was really close to weight. I'm a lot of muscle, not gonna brag or anything at all, I just have a lot. And if I would have known they could measure body fat instead of simple weight I wouldn't have worried at all. But since I thought I had to be under the number for a normal 5'2 person and I was over by two pounds, I did the ol "Starve Myself" song and dance.
If you go a week with under 600 cals a day, still working out, you are gonna have SOMETHING jacked up by 1300 on the eighth day.
My protein levels were through the roof!! They also told me being PMS was a problem too.
Whoops. Sorry. NOT THAT I CAN HELP IT!!

I was told I would have to come back.
Great. Just great.
I couldn't come back for almost a month!! But I determined to stick it out.
Allen came home for Christmas, we talked about it (I had written him while he was at boot camp telling him I was going for it and he wasn't too jolly about the whole thing...) and he wasn't ok with it but he was in that twisted way. He left to start his pre-training for the Navy SEALs and I tested for my black belt and went back down to MEPS.
Well, tried. But the second reason for my protein levels being messed up came back and we had to switch to the next week.
In between there was a pool meeting! Which is where all the Marine recruits get together and have physical tests and play football and listen to lectures and whatnot. I went.
Twenty-five men.
And myself.
Strike that, there were very few men there. Mostly just boys who wished they could do as many sit ups as I could. SUCKERS!! *ahem*...competative...sorry...
And I had a great time!
That a lie.
It wasn't that much fun. But I took the Initial Strength Test and scored well - only the run kicking my butt a bit - and played football (and sucked at it because you were disowned in my family for playing football so I never learned).
Went back down to MEPS.
But the shuttle driver was 3 hours late and by the time we got there, the Marines and Medical had left. So I wasted yet another day.
When my recruiter picked me up from the shuttle stop he looks at me and just shook his head.
"Rachele...Rachele...I...I am sorry. This has never happened. I was just talking to the Staff Srgnt and Srgnt Mitch about it. And we...we don't know! The recruiting contractor gods hate you or something, and we don't know why!!"
Next Monday.
I hope.
*starts laughing*
Every time something goes wrong I just want to do it more!!
And yet a moment later I become scared that it must be a sign that I'm not supposed to join.

WHY ME?!?!

And the biggest thing holding me back is Allen.
Holding back is a nasty way to put that. As if its the Old Ball-And-Chain situation.
Its not.
I love this guy.
And I want to be able to see him
And hello! Fraternization! Crap!!!

Anyway.
Thats a simple, very short version of the story.
Don't laugh.
I'm serious.

So! By the end of the month - if all goes as planned - I will FINALLY be sworn into the Marines.
If all goes as planned...

I love you all! Sixth, I hope you are doing better than the last time we spoke. I was in MI not too long ago! Almost Canada! Hahahaa!!

-Shell