The winds of change...wait...there Are no winds of change...

So I'm back-ish.
Nothing absolutely whatsoever to report. My days have dragged on and on and I have lived them.
Wake up.
Get ready for work.
Drive to work (though I have now incorporated books on CD into my morning and lunchtime drive. Right now it is Harry Potter and The Order Of The Phoenix)
Sit around at work.
Pump.
Sit around more.
Drive home to lunch (getting another 15 minuets of the story).
Eat lunch.
Feed baby.
Return to work.
Sit around.
Some days I get off early and jog to the gym*
Go home.
Feed baby.
Cook dinner.
Eat dinner.
Watch something. Preferably The Office, Legend of The Seeker, or Heros. We are a season behind on Heros so we are catching up this week. We should be up to speed by next Monday. Too bad we don't have TV and have to wait a week to watch the latest episode. Damn...
Feed baby.
Put baby to sleep.
Go to sleep.
Sleep.
Wakeup.
Change baby's diaper.
Feed baby.
Go back to sleep.
Wake up...

*yesterday I threw my workout clothes into a bag. Since I wore my working dress uniform and I didn't have boots to carry I decided I would simply throw my uniform in the bag and jog to the gym, this way Allen would not have to drive me back to my building when he picked me up, me go inside, open my locker, and get my uniform. Time saver. Woot.
It was chilly. I packed a sweater. It was sprinkling, but whatever.
Well.
At 3:30 I go down to my locker, change into my jogging shorts, t-shirt and my hoodie. I tie my running shoes and strap the iPod into my arm (my iPhone is being repaired but I was able to steal Allen's iPod. Woot).
I go up the steps, ladeedah, no big deal.
I step outside.
It is no longer sprinkling. It is pouring.
But I figure, hey, I've gotten this far, why go back down the steps and put this bag back in my locker? It can't be that far to the gym. Maybe at most a 1/4 mile.
Lies.
So I start jogging. Despite that it was only my dress shoes, pants and two shirts, an extra pair of tennis shoes, one large book and a water bottle, that backpack was 10 lbs.
This used to be no big deal.
Then I didn't work out or run for a year and now it is a big deal.
I was DYING.
Not only was the bag heavy as hell, but it was pouring and it was COLD! Also I was dying. I am a horrible runner now.
Ok. I've never been very good. But now it's worse.
It had to have been a mile to the gym. I'm gonna drive it and see today actually...
I was sopping and frozen by the time I got there.
I step inside and it's a nice, warm temperature in there!
But since I had been frozen, but my hear rate was high, it felt like it was 130 degrees. I was pouring sweat from the moment I stepped inside. Then I had to blow dry my shorts because it looked like I had peed my pants from all the rain.

Anyway. That was my dramatic story. Preeeettyy lame.
Now I'm going to see if hulu.com works at work.
MOOWAHAHA!
Cheers.
Here's Phoenix.

Oh hi everyone! I'm pretty awesome these days! I try to stand up by myself and am starting to play games. Sort of. Mostly I like to be bad. Like when Dad is giving me a bottle, I will stop eating, look at him, and then just gnaw on the very end of it and grin because I know that annoys him. Heh heh heh...I have also mastered the art of wakening instantly! Hold me, I'm asleep! Put me down, I'm awake! WOOHOO! It's like having magical powers...

Sometimes I'm actually pretty happy. At weird times. I try to giggle reeealllyy hard but mostly a weird shriek just comes out. This causes mom and dad to collapse in hysterical laughter.

I is big.

I is also cross eyed.

I am also a snot. I enjoy refusing to smile at strangers. I also enjoy gnawing on things and slobbering all over shirts. It is my favorite. Once, I pooped on mama. It was great! I thought it was really funny!! Mama didn't :(

This is how I get away with everything; by being super adorable.

What dah hewl?!?

And these are my friends! They are my only friends. We hang out a lot. As you can see we don't always agree on things, sometimes I think they say really stupid stuff (like right there) but hey, you can't get much better than a gnome.

Unless you get me.

Woohoo!

Anyway. Next week is shot's week. I was supposed to have my shots a long time ago but then the doctor couldn't get me in for a really long time. Mama doesn't want me to get shots - she believes most immunizations harm more than they help. But if I have to go into daycare, they won't let me in without them. Anyway.

GOODBYE.
*runs off to cry, poop, sleep, slobber, grin, and bellow random syllables*

Phoenix Nicole

So. I updated. Saved the draft. And sometime during the night the draft found some crack cocaine and when I came back to see it this morning it was high as a kite.
Hence: the rewrite.
ALSO.
Complaint: It will only load 8 of my pictures. There are more. I'm a little ticked off right now, Blogger. GET YOUR ACT TOGETHER BEFORE I LAUNCH MILITARY INTELLIGENCE ON YOUR SERVER.
*ahem*

So before I show you pictures of the world's cutest kid (that'd be mine. Not Achille. So put that in your pipe and smoke it, sis! Mwahaha), I'll "update".

I'm still stuck in the United States Navy. Hooyah. I'm still stuck at my boring job in security. I still miss working for the investigators. Who wouldn't miss sitting in an office listening to people talk about crazy military criminals and interrogating suspects?? Apparently they needed to do a little more of that in ol' Fort Hood...maybe...idk...really that whole thing is messed up. Some of us talking about creating a "lets trip over his ventilation cord" mission thing morning. Pretty sure it's gonna work out. Suffocation = way more dramatic way to die then injection or electric chair-ing. Personally, I think he should face a firing squad. But that's just me. Crazy lunatic...YOU CAN GET OUT OF THE MILITARY FOR BEING CRAZY YOU KNOW!! YOU DON'T HAVE TO SHOOT UP PEOPLE TO MAKE YOUR POINT!! Sheeeesh...

Anyway, I may be able to get a job as a journalist/photographer in the next 9-11 months. That'd be super sweet. I'd be stuck on an Army base for 6 months in Maryland but NO BIG DEAL!! It's right next to D.C. which = STUFF TO DO WHEN WE ARE BORED. The Smithsonian, theatre, music, etc etc etc! WOOT! It'd be super awesome. Plus the job would be a lot more enjoyable than anything else they had to offer me.
So hopefully that goes SUPER.

Anyway...just sitting around these days, waiting to hand in my request for leave over Christmas. Yesterday we went to Hobby Lobby to find some photo albums and the Christmas supplies were in...and 50% off...I love Christmas...I love decorating...I'm a Christmas decorating fiend!! AAA!! I went a little nuts...we spent 50$ when we could have spent 12$ if I had stuck to the plan. BUT I COULDN'T. TOO MUCH CHRISTMAS FOR ME TO HANDLE!! I seriously become hopped up on 12 cans of Red Bull just by seeing Christmas stuff- but Without the Red Bull. I was bouncing around with huge eyes and throwing everything within reach into the cart. Allen was calmly picking it up and putting it back on the shelves...heh heh heh...I did manage to wrangle 3 boxes of lights and four packages of ornaments to the checkout counter though.

Sooo...I guess this is Phoenix part of the blog now...Here are some pictures. Only 8. Thank you Blogger...

HI! I'm Phoenix! I'm awesome! I don't cry very much except when I'm tired and I like to raise my eyebrows really high at everything. I also am trying really hard to laugh but I JUST CAN'T DO IT. This results in a lot of unnecessary attempts at tickling by my parents and they really just need to back off. They like to have photo shoots and try to capture the most hilarious faces possible. This results in me looking like a crazy baby. Thanks for the self esteem boosters, mom and dad. Case and point: the picture below.

This was part of an attempt to make me look like I like to bite people. If things don't let up on the photo end, I just might make that "funny idea" come true...SO WATCH YOUR NOSE THE NEXT TIME YOU COME CLOSE TO MY FACE! AHAHAHA! *ahem*

Mom thinks its just about the most hilarious thing in the world to spike my hair. I don't really mind actually, I just get revenge by generating some more Cradle Cap and shedding all over her black shirts.

So, while I was in Kansas visiting my Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, and Grandparents a couple weeks ago, someone gave mom this pair of giant flannel pants that double as a blanket that I can't kick off. She thinks its fun to just pick up the pants and let me dangle around in them causing the worlds' worst wedge (if I didn't wear diapers). Someday I hope there will be justice.

I got a new dress and was instantly crammed in and photographed repeatedly. I barfed on the dress. Enough said.




Sometimes it's actually pretty fun to hang out with mom and dad. They make funny faces and like to wrap me up and sing to me. It doesn't excuse all the other behaviors of course, but it does make me a little less inclined to gnaw off their ankles once I learn to crawl.

See? I can sit up super good! Also great job on making these pictures oldest to youngest mom...

But what I wanna know is why I can't watch TV until I'm two! COME ON PEOPLE!! I'M SICK OF HEARING WINNIE THE POOH'S VOICE COME FROM BEHIND MY HEAD!

I still like to sleep a lot, but not in a consistent pattern. Like last night Mama got up to pump because the night before I hadn't woken up to eat until morning! She stayed up for 45 minutes pumping. Then when she was done, I woke up! She had to stay up another hour to feed me a bottle and put me back to sleep.

That was Karma for making me wear the wedge pants.

So anyway. Life is pretty good. Hopefully Mama gets that job in Maryland so I can live closer to Auntie Amanda - then maybe someone will buy me more stuff. My parents said I don't need stuff because I have more clothes then both of them put together.

Hello. I only have three pairs of shoes.

The thought of fear brings the feeling of fear which re-thinks the thought of fear which makes it a doubt thought and double fear...

Sooo...
Still leaving the military...I think...paperwork apparently was "Lost in translation"??? See how efficient our country's safety department is? Hhmm...*think think think* Hmmm...

Also.
I have like 10 weeks left? *checks* 10 weeks, one day.

And made this huge mistake of clicking on some sites and watching some webversations about being a mom.
And now I'm about to have a panic attack.
What. Am I thinking??
Why would I choose to be a stay at home mom??
Why.
I'm 21 (nearly...like a couple more days, come on, totally counts), and I haven't finished school and I have so many things I want to do and I die inside every time I see a theatre because I miss acting and directing so much, and I was thinking of leaving the military even before prego due to knee problems and for some reason my little mind thought that I could be a full time mom while...being whatever else I wanted.

And I'm looking at this stuff and going "What...am I doing?!?! I don't WANT to be a mom and loose who I am and be so caught up in caring for my kid that I forget who I am and what I want to be when I grow up"
That was the way my mom was.
She had a strange way of trying to break out of it - she would find hobbies and obsess over them. Painting, crocheting, cross stitching, instruments (she can play I think 7 instruments now, and 4 of them excellently) and she would become amazing at them. She painted stuff that went to state and won and she was invited to the white house one year because her painting project was hung on their friggin Christmas tree, picked out of like 10,000 other people's. She cross stiched entire scenes and you stood back and they looked like a painting instead of thread.
She became incredible at whatever she did.
And then she would stop.
Once she excelled at it, she was done. There was nothing more for her to push for, I guess. And it always broke my heart because this was what I thought all those years - that she stopped her hobbies because she couldn't progress any further in her mind.

Until one day we had a conversation and I realized that she stopped it because she felt guilty that it was taking time away from the kids.
She stopped taking that time for herself and learning new things for herself and making new friendships, etc, because she felt guilty about it.
We never minded. Ever. We always were so proud of her when she would excel at something once again! We still look at that huge mural on the wall in the kitchen and go "You painted that after you had painted for a year??"
And look at the picture of her (and me :D I was her "companion" for the trip) and Mrs. Bush at the white house with the tree behind them and are like "Yeah...my mom is that awesome."

But apparently she was so consumed in her mind that she would step back and just stop what she loved because she felt guilty about it. And I think sometimes Dad would pressure her to stop because it would cost money - paints, thread, needles, canvas, etc
Which I think is complete bs.
Dad doesn't have any hobbies because he is consumed with work. 100% of the time.
Or mime (don't ask if you don't know...)
Funny thing is, his mime takes up 100$'s a year and all of his weekend time that he should be at home with mom during.
But he isn't.
He leaves before the kids get up, he's home around dinner, if it's not ready, he's upset, and I remember countless times it would be cold by the time he got there because he would be home so late and then he would be annoyed that it was cold.

Don't get me wrong.
I love my dad very much and he has been a great dad in a lot of ways - he coached my high school soccer team all through high school because of me and Micah. There was hardly a team the last season and he coached it anyway for us because he knew that we loved it so much. He kept the mime team going for Anne and Stephanie because he knew that they loved it so much and if he didn't do it, no one would. He really does a lot of random, meaningful things for us.
And I know its hard. He runs his own business and has a billion kids and he is concerned about money and providing, etc, etc, etc.
But what I wish he knew was that we would rather have him at home, playing with us and talking to us, etc, then we would have extra food in the house. Mom would rather have him at home to put the kids to bed on time then not have to create weird meals from random leftovers because we needed grocery's that bad.
Anyway.
This post wasn't about my dad.
This was about me being a mom.
And I'm freakin out.
A lot.
And I needed to vent and I don't wanna freak out my husband about it because he's under enough stress as it is trying to find a job in this effed-up Obama economy where apparently its more important to bail out a car dealership than lower taxes or start cutting the national debt. We can pull all those troops out of Iraq, super, whatever, you all know how I feel about that, but when they get back, start cutting military to save money for those bailouts - force them to retire, separate them for a few low run times, tell them they have to do a new job now - one they aren't trained to do and never wanted to do - after 1o years or else they will be separated...
And
Whatever.
Again. Not going to vent more on Obama. Just chattering I guess.
Sometimes its really hard not having a girl here to go to and freak out on. I love talking to Allen but sometimes I just need a girl to look at and go "AAA!! WHAT AM I DOING? *sob sob sob* Ok. I'm good. Lets go get our toes done."

-Shell

Touch my tummy and loose a hand...

Well...sleep is now beginning to escape me.

The moment I lay down, Phoenix thinks its time to wake up! Seriously! I was baking until late last night and she was not moving much, just the occasional kick (just letting you know I'm still here sort of thing), but I lay down...its like my tummy is a punching bag! Kicking, punching, moving...the best is when I get punched on the left side and kicked on the right.



Allen is still in Kansas, hopefully will be back by this weekend. If the test drive goes well and the car shop doesn't throw any fits about anything we should be good...I hope...I'm very tired of being by myself. Living alone was a little fun...for about 3 days. And then it was boring and then it was depressing and then it is just downright horrible! It would be fine I think if I had a car and knew people around here. But he has the car and I work on the other side of base from everyone else - not to mention most of the people I was in school with are done with school and off to their squads.



Started prenatal yoga today. It was nice! I think I'll hurt tomorrow! I've been terrible about exercising! By the time I get home I just want to sleep and sleep and eat and maybe do something interesting (work has been incredibly boring lately, more so than normal), not walk over to the gym! And my hip is still out and that makes a difference :( I keep forgetting to call the doc and see about a chiropractor and how safe that is right now and all that jazz...



But not really any updates I suppose...my chart looks like I've only gained 9 lbs since the beginning and I'm 27 weeks. This is apparently bad. But I lost so much in the first trimester that in all technicality I gained 16 lbs in my second trimester! Wow...thats a little scary...



Hormones have been RAGING. I am a CRAZY WOMAN.

Joanna helped me feel a little better when I was home visiting. She is in her 30's and this is her first child - they have been trying for a long time.

She said she goes off the deep end, often. One day (she has no idea why), her husband didn't close the bread bag. This is normal. And she started hassling him about it and he (made the mistake of) said something in return and she picked up the loaf of bread and chucked it at him! I laughed and laughed and laughed!

I haven't hurled any actual objects (tempted to? Yes), but I say things that are completely ridiculous.

*sigh*

-Shell

P.S. Getting ready for the beach! :D

Troubling

After listening to Obama's speech yesterday, I was left completely mind boggled.


Things like,

"Bin Laden no more represents Islam just as Israel doesn't represent Judaism."

Bothered me a lot. It was like he only wanted to say what people wanted to hear. I am not saying that I disagree with the first part, as not all Islamics are hellbent on destroying things. Not at all. But the last part made me blink a few times. It was like saying America doesn't represent Democracy. What?

"Obama's Speech Brilliant and Troubling" By Brad Hirschfield

Excerpt

"Ultimately, the President's remarks put being productive ahead of what some of us call being right, and that is the path to peace and reconciliation every time"

This seems to be the public's general reaction to this speech. Well, if it helps us get to where we need to be, who gives a flock about what is right and true. Really.
Which is more than a little scary. If you just want productivity, your going to fall flat on your face because not everyone has the same idea of being productive, just like not everyone has the same idea of what is "right". I disagree with people who think they can twist right and wrong in their own minds to be whatever they want - people who think that killing someone for their diamond earrings does it because they don't see any problem in it. If someone comes into your house and kills your family because of your race or color, not because you did them any harm, you aren't going to step back and say "Well they thought it was right, so I guess it must be right to them and to impose action would be saying they are wrong and to say someone is wrong is wrong, and we can't have any wrong and so if what I think differs from what they think I am wrong but..." and you end up talking yourself in a circle of madness.
Just get something in your head. There is wrong. And there is right. Just because you believe it is right, does not mean it is. And to sit back as "The leader of the free world" (not sure what the heck that means anymore) and to say try to convince everyone that everything is right and there is no wrong answer, but at the same time killing is the wrong answer...where the heck are you talking from?
There MUST be a wrong.
And someone has to be IN THE WRONG. Logic does not allow for no absolutes. And if you have no absolutes you have no wrong. Which is the most illogical and completely mad theological idealism you could possibly posses. But so many people consider themselves to be terribly terribly right in believing there is no wrong and no absolutes.
I would rather have a crazed terrorist trying to kill me, believing there is wrong and right (Even if he is horribly mistaken in his belief that its ok to kill me for being American), than someone who doesn't believe there IS wrong or right and if at that moment he decides to shoot me, then it must be right.
How can you live with no convictions?!? How can you live without KNOWING something is true? You can't KNOW it is true if you think that someone else believing the opposite is also true. Completely daft.

I'm going all over the place here. Sorry. I'm just so full of things I want to say to the world that its coming out rather jumbled and out of order and seems quite random.
In my mind...this all makes sense...heh heh heh...

All of that to say, I think our president is going to get us all killed. Thats all I have to say. I think he is out of his mind and more of a "lying politician" than any of them. He doesn't sit back and lie to his country, no, he sits back and lies to the entire world FOR his country and then comes home and tells his country it is what they truly want. And says it in a way that people who want to believe that everything is ok and that he has the best in mind for our country, just sit back and say "Well he said its ok...it must be."
Hitler convinced a lot of people it was ok to kill Jews and gays, etc.
Ben Laden convinced a lot of people it was ok to kill Americans and Christians and Catholics and even their own families if they didn't agree with what they said.
Stalin...
You know what I mean. If you say things right, people believe it and refuse to form their own opinion by thinking about it.
People obviously thought long and hard about things former president Bush said. They hated him for things he did. He didn't talk well - he just wasn't the best public speaker. But he did what he believed was right and he said he believed it was right and that other people were wrong and had strong convictions, no matter how much people disagreed with him. But he wouldn't say that everyone was right.
Why would you want someone to lead you who does not even want to stand up for you? Would you work for a boss that allowed other work members to talk badly about you and treat you badly and just sit by and say that they think its ok, so live with it?
No.
But you will be ok with a president who believes that other countries should regulate our gun laws and look at our registries and have a say in our constitution, since they think they should, and they think its right so live with it.
You think politics don't effect you?
Think effing again.
Look at history.
Politics kill people.
Politics kill more people than wars started out of passion.
Obviously we started blowing up stuff in the middle east out of passion. And its gone from there into being about politics. And more people are dying from the political effects of this war that has gone on and on due to serious lack of unity concerning politics then were dying from when we were there for passion, trying to get rid of people who wished us seriously bodily harm and had at last managed to bring it to us. We could have been there and left, after we finished what we went there to do.
But it became a political battle when the American people decided to make it into a crime for doing anything in return, and suddenly it was like "Well...um...free the people? Sure! That'll look good! Rebuild things? Ok..."
Instead of telling off the psychos (who are more concerned about polar bears than actual people) and stepping in to do what needed done and what we went there to do, and said "Peace mofoes, don't mess with us, and don't let your people mess with us. Killing us for fun isn't gonna happen. We don't kill you for fun. We don't come bomb you cause we don't like you. We come shoot your asses because you came into OUR country and killed us because we disagree with what you say."
But it didn't go like that.
Politics and "there is no right and wrong so how could you do that?" stepped in and here we are, 8 years later, still there because of politics. Ask any American military person if politics effect them. Then ask their families. Then ask their friends.
They are gonna tell you, yes they do.
But most people don't see it. They are fed politics in a much slower, more controlled, prettied up, painted over, child friendly version, than the military is.
We get it straight and fresh off the line.
We die because of politics.
We are ok with dying for passion and dying for our country.
But we aren't ok with dying for politics that people who think there is no right and wrong and yet we were in the wrong to go fight so fix it, created. THAT. Is crap.
Why don't you get out of your stupid chair and think for yourself and believe something.
Too scary, hu.
Cause then you would disagree with someone.
And they might think badly of you.
Because you disagreed.
Though if they really and truly believed that everyone is right, they cannot be upset at you for thinking they are wrong. Because there is no wrong. So to think they are wrong is not wronging them.
But you know in your heart it isn't true.
You know if you take a stand on anything you will face opposition.
And we can't have that.
Can't handle it.
Won't do it cause your too damn scared and too ignorant about logic or what you think you might believe to stand up to anyone telling YOU that you are wrong for thinking they are wrong.
Get a backbone and think about things and research them and make yourself stronger.
Or just sit there and nod and smile and say "Well I think this might be what could be right. But you are absolutely right as well. You think it could be blue, I think it could be red, but we are BOTH right. Really."
So stupid.
If you could see yourself. Really.

Anyway. I was going to stop rambling a long time ago and then I went off again...
Not like theres anything better to do around here *looks around at the empty desk...wishing someone would bring in some work to do...aaaa...dying of boredom*

Love you and miss you.
If your confused, thats ok. This post was just venting, its not supposed to make sense, hahaha...
-Shell

Who took my damn Rolos??

So I took a vacation away from this horrible state (Florida).
And it was nice.
Except for the part where I forgot to go see some really amazing people (Lacey...Paul...etc...Whoops)
And where the cars transmission broke.
That was the nicest part. Hahaha...
I love driving Mom's car and not our sweet Acura.
Not.
So it was never fixed...and I flew back here because I was required to be at work by this morning. And here I am. Eating reheated tomato soup.
Also there is no milk in the house.
And no car to go buy it.
*sigh* I hate the bus.
But! At least there is scads to do at work! My boss is also on vacation and has been gone for a week and it looks like very little got done in the three days she was here without me before she left. Not that I expected much to get done.
So I'm not bored.
Except its lunch time and I forgot my book and I REFUSE to do work on break like my boss because thats just horribly horribly wrong. And depressing.
And I'm afraid I'm going to have finished all this work by the time 3:30 rolls around and then I'll have the entirety of next week being as bored as ever.
But the house is so boring without Allen! Plus I didn't realize that you get terribly used to someone being there to tell whatever pops into your head to. Like I had a blister this morning. And I went to show him.
*sniffs*
And he wasn't there.
And what good is showing a dog or the duck?
NONE.

Anway

Vacation home was fun.
Except for the part where I almost killed everyone the day of my sisters graduation. I told Dad I would push their "new adopted daughter" (as we kids like to call here because she stores all of her stuff in my old room, and has been driving Mom's car for the past 6 months under Mom and Dads insurance, and she comes to all the family events, and signed my Mom's mothers day card, and my little sister opted to ask her to help with the graduation instead of one of her four very available and loving sisters...but none of us are bitter. Really...) off a chair if she thought she was going to help me decorate.
After which my father barely spoke to me for the remainder of my time there.
And then I had to fly home. I really hate airports and I hate planes. Not because I hate flying - that doesn't bother me. But I hate that you are stuck in a little seat next to a total stranger that is either way way way to friendly, or refuses to even say hello when you sit down.
I did manage to read almost all of Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban while in midair.
For the probably 4th time.
But no big deal.
And I'm not counting.
I really gotta hand it to Rowling - her, C.S. Lewis and Tolkien are the only people who I've read twice. I don't see the point in re-reading a book that you've already read because there are so many other books out there! Why would you waste your time??
Now sometimes, its ok. Like with Harry Potter or Narnia or Lord of The Rings because it is just that good.
But anything else?
No.
Not gonna happen.
Carol, I found your Darcy book.
Its up in my room.
I completely forgot it the other night.

Also I stuck a burrito in the microwave here at work cause I was still hungry after my small portion of tomato soup...and now the whole office smells like it. Awesome...I wonder if theres a window I can open...I would prop the outside door open but one of the ladies before she left for lunch was like "Theres a bunch of money on my desk so don't let anyone near it."
Guess where the outside door is.
FML.

SOOOOOO.....just chillin in the office...alone...eating my burrito that really isn't turning out to be very good...and listening to Sinatra.
And trying to think of something to say to take up the next 30 min. Because my burrito is gone. And my brain is too tired to keep thinking of things to write since I was a unsuspecting victim of "I can't sleep cause I've been on vacation going to bed at 2:00 a.m. for the past 10 days and so I see no reason to sleep now even though you can't sleep-in until 11:00. No. Instead you have to be up at 6:30. But you'll be fine. Just keep watching "Pretty Woman" and telling yourself you'll be fine"
Great. The stupid song mentioned honey.
And I suddenly want some honeyed toast.
Damn pregnancy.

I hate jet lag.

-Shell

p.s. This is the aforementioned duck.

We call him Gary.

Mustard vs. Yogurt

Riddle me this - Why is country music so depressing?

On a side note, my yogurt just attacked my uniform...awesome...should have eaten a sandwich instead. Mustard much safer than yogurt.
Not.

So I'm sitting here, making power points for various people in charge who seem to be completely computer illiterate and yet somehow hold positions like "Chief of police" and "Head of investigations". That makes me feel safe.
Not.
If your going to arrest people and investigate things, YOU SHOULD KNOW HOW TO MAKE A FRIGGIN SPREADSHEET!

Not that hard.
Reeeallllyy not that hard.

ALSO, so my boss is getting moved to a different department.
And I'm the only person who works with her. BUT no one seems to know where all of her work will go. Since I'm Temp Duty right now (so I do whatever needs done. Its pretty FING ANNOYING), I have this sinking feeling they are going to give her job to me.
AND LET ME TELL YOU, THIER SHYTE IS GOING OUT THE WINDOW!!!
The people over our department are so freaking retarded! I just want to punch them all in the face!!
Little STUPID things like this:
We mail different investigation cases to different departments. Well when we do this we ARE REQUIRED TO:
1. Take the case file, put in a manila envelope.
2. Take boxing tape and TAPE ALL THE WAY AROUND THE TOP OF THE MAILA ENVELOPE.
3. My boss writes her intials over the tape. To ensure...what????
4. We put that envelope in another inter dept. mail envelope.
5. (you thought it would end there, didn't you???? So did I.)
5!! YOU TAPE ALL THE WAY AROUND THE TOP OF THE FING INTER DEPT MAIL ENVOLOPE!!! Completely destroying a very reusable object. Oh. And she initials that tape too.

This thing has 50 To:/From text boxes. You are supposed to use these envelopes 50xs. We use them once and they are never used again because someone HAS TO GET A CHAINSAW TO OPEN THE DAMN THING TO READ THE CASE ABOUT THE KID WHO REPORTED THAT SOMEONE BROKE INTO HIS UNLOCKED CAR AND STOLE HIS RADIO!!
*long pause in which I silently scream and mime stabbing stupid people in the face*
*deep breath*

Soooo...
If this job becomes mine? That crap? Its gonna go away. I almost picked up a book and threw it at my boss yesterday...
AND TODAY.

She is calling from the other room (as she corrects a document that there is no need to correct) in this little condescending tone "Oh honey! You did good on the "C"s!"

Story:

So on base, they give out tickets. They mean abbooouuuttt jack crap. You pay nothing. Its so lame. The only thing they can do is restrict you from driving ON THE BASE.
....ok....
I work with all those tickets.
This lady I work for?
About 3,000 years old.
She's nice and all, just annoying. And confusing. And confused.
And we make a list of all the people who are "restricted".
Before, this list was in Microsoft Word.
Which is so stupid cause its set up like a spread sheet so adding to it is like trying to convince Samolian pirates not to steal our stuff.
So I took this list and did what any SANE PERSON would do and put it into Excell! Not that hard! I type around 6 billion wpm so it was an easy day.
I also went through and deleted all the people whose restriction was over. There are boxes that say "Date restricted" "Date complete"
I went through and did the obvious (asked before I did it though, so don't even say anything about that!!) and took out all the "Date complete" people who were off restriction.

Well she went through (I think cause I've caught her up on all her work and she was really bored today, cause usually she doesn't do JACK that concerns going back and checking because she is so far behind on everything. BUT! Then I appeared and did things like create excell pages for everything so it was actually recorded instead of on sticky notes...) all the restricted TICKETS themselves so CHECK that all the people who had ever been placed on restriction had come in to see her and checked out of restriction.
What???????
And she got all mad at me because I had deleted them off the list already.
So this guy had been on restriction until January, 2009. Thats past. I took him off. Apparently the poor guy never came to her office and showed her his updated registration and requested to be let off of restriction.
And according to the people over our department, THEY ARE STILL RESTRICTED BECAUSE THEY NEVER DID THIS.
There are people she wants back on that list that got off restriction a year ago!
And she got all mad at me for taking them off. A job that she told me to do. And she said she was going to get in trouble.

A. ....What???

B. Who the heck is going to check?? The people over our department are so busy they don't have time to come to our building and go through our tickets to check and see that each restriction ticket has a checkmark saying that they have brought in their info and checked out of restriction.

C. ....WHAT?????

So there she sits, going through all 9 billion restrictions, checking them, checking the list, checking the old list...and then saying "You deleted another one!" when she finds some girl from April of 06 who was placed on restriction for not registering on base within 30 days of reporting, who never came to our office and said "I registered."

So she goes back on the list.

Seriously.

And I got pissed! I called her on it and was like "WHY?? This is overkill and stupid. Screw it."
"Well those people over our department, they want it."
"Why? Screw them too."
"Because the CO wants it that way! And they are scared of that mans shadow!"
"SCREW THE CO!! WHY is everyone so afraid of this guy? It is so wrong to be scared of anyone in charge! You do YOUR JOB, not WHAT HE WANTS. So he "prefers" that people be on restriction for all of time because he has a fixation with slow and perfect driving. He needs to chill. Or else do all this paper work himself."

But no.
I almost got my throat slit for saying a ticket he ordered the popo to give to a girl was stupid and unreasonable and shouldn't have happened and she should contest it.
He GUESSED her speed to be 70 in a 45.
And she got the ticket and the restriction. That was high enough it will follow her to her next command where they will check in her car and not allow her to drive it.
So wrong.
So incredibly wrong.
But since she said she felt the CO was mistaken when she went to court for it? They screwed her.
You can't say he's wrong.

This Navy...
This Navy is messed up.

This Navy isn't something I am proud of any longer.
This Navy is something I can't wait to leave.

So there's my rant for the day.
I'm pretty excited to have ranted...

Now back to the 100+ page dispatchers manual I must create....

-Shell

Mushroom farm revolution kills the mind.

So I'm sitting at work again...hooray...hahaha...
BORING.
I actually have no idea what I'm doing cause people are calling for people I don't know...this isn't my real job...I don't answer phones except when the silly phone people go home cause they're sick...gross...I cloroxed the life out of this desk when I sat down...sicky germs...
I don't really have anything to say actually...who is the AT? I dont know. The ATO perhaps? I don't know. Someone poke me in the eyes.
I'm not making any sense...mostly cause I have the headache from hades that came down this morning as I opened my eyes and it hasn't left yet.
Anyway.
Went to Disney World with my sister and her two kids when they came to visit last weekend...that was fun :) I will post pictures if I ever get a chance...
GOSH I'M BORING TODAY!! Brain...won't...function...
The kid is kicking around these days. We find out what kind it is the 27th. My mom is due in July. With a girl. Weird. She's almost 50. This was the "Oh...whoops..." kid. Kinda gross to know my parents still do that stuff. Yeah. I'm 20. And married. And I'm sure I'll still be sneaking off to the broom closet when I'M 50, but that doesn't mean its not weird to think of your mom and dad doing that. I mean seriously!!
Sooo...I'm gonna go play more games...addictinggames.com...I play Mushroom Revolution a lot...mostly cause the mushrooms look so cute until you give them powers and then they look like they are going to eat your face off and giggle while they do it...

-Shell

You think YOU'VE got problems...

Ok. So if my life could get anymore jacked up I'm not sure what would have to happen. Seriously. This is retarded. I'm blown away by the...ness of this mess.

Here I am. In the navy.
Pregnant!
Oh yeah. Having a kid in September. What happened? Simple answer there...if you don't know I'm not going to try and explain it to you.
Whose?
Allen's of course (for all you meanies who have questioned about the father of this child. I hate you all). He has moved down to Pensacola and we are eloping Friday. Tomorrow. Wow. But we've been TRYING to for two weeks so nbd...
Anyway.
Aircrew school is a high risk training environment so they dropped me, seeing as they don't want to hurt my kid. Me? Thats ok. But not the kid. Hahaha...
So I was sent to an inbetween place for a while. I didn't have a job and I am all medicaly jacked up they don't know what to do with me...ya know.
I requested seperation from the navy due to pregnancy. They screwed with me for a long time and then decided FINE! But we aren't letting you go until 30 days before delivery.
Nice.
Jerks.
So I'll have 30 days to move home, find a doctor, figure out how to pay for the kid...awesome. The military isn't as lily white as they seem. They like to screw people over. Makes me proud to be American...except for not.
So yesterday they sudden give me orders to work in the security office and move out of my barracks asap. Mothertruckers...good thing I have the awesomest friend in the world though who is letting Allen stay with them until we get an apartment. I just crashed at her house and puked all morning (I have morning sickness from hell...that lasts until 5:00 at night...) then went in and here I am. They were just showing me around and checking me in and this secretary suddenly needed a phone answerer so they stopped my checkin blablabla crap and sat me at the phone.
I'm feeling ill again. Awesome. I threw up 7xs yesterday so I'm hoping that today isn't going to be a repeat.
So that's my life as I know it. Though its nice cause they kicked me out of barracks so NO MORE COMMUNAL SHOWERS AND ROOMMATES FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE!!!!! FRICK YEAH!!!! I'm pretty much excited beyond all reason about that.
People have been really horrible about my wanting to leave the military. I understand to a point and yet they need to get off their high horse and stop trying to be all self righteous and let me make this decision for me and my family now. Its not just about me. Its about a child and a husband. Allen doesn't want to be a single dad while I'm off deployed and I do not ever want to have to leave my child like that. I'm also required to go back to work 6 weeks after delivery. Who the heck is going to take care of an infant? So I think people need to mind their own business and let me make my own decisions that are best for me and my family.

*ahem*
Anyway. I love you all.
*hugs*
Cheers
-Shell

Twice a day is better...

So I've made two visits today...what of it??
I think I've been away from the keyboard so long that its like when you start smoking again - you thought you were done but all it took was one cigarette and its all over, you know you can't go back.
I've missed words.
The way they flow without thought or meditation. How they are so honest but I don't even realize it until I return to read them later.

I watch the people around me here, and no one lives honestly. Everything is a lie or an attempt to impress. They walk around being confused, wondering why things don't make sense to them but in facts it their own fault - you tell enough lies and you won't be able to see up from down. I'm not saying I don't try to impress people - I strive to be the best here and make sure my instructors know I'm the best. Even if I'm not. But its different...and the girls are mostly whores. Except Goldie and I...Goldie rocks.
It was odd, but people notice I'm not like the other girls. Like a guy today was talking to me about life and asked if I was married.
I said yes.
Then no.
Then almost.
He asked if I was getting a divorce.
I said no, I'm engaged.
Why did I say yes?? Not sure.
But he commented that I wasn't like the other girls - lack of throwing myself at every male who passed by and whatnot. Odd that they notice.

Sometimes people ask what my day is like.
I laugh at them.
And tell it to them sort of like so:

I woke up just like any other day. To the sound of my roommates alarm clack screaming like a banshee at 0500. She got up after a few years later...and pushed snooze.
"BROOKE."
"*muffled*What?"
"Did you push snooze?"
"Yeahh...I'll get up in a little bit."
"TURN IT OFF OR GET UP NOW. IF IT GOES OFF AGAIN..."
"@$$&$$^&! Fine! I'm getting up now. %$^ch..."
*falls back asleep*
Almost an hour later I was in PT gear, water bottle and swim roll in hand, running to the chow hall to eat my usual breakfast of a banana and a cup of yogurt. I eat the same friggin thing every morning - mostly cause I don't have to stand in line to get to it. That and I can eat in under five minuets, and the possibility of regurgitating bacon and eggs during PT is much less appealing than that of heaving up a banana and yogurt - that's pretty much like barfing up a shake, no big deal.
I eat, I toss my tray, and I walk slowly the one block to the barracks to get in formation for PT.

When I arrived at the PT formation, it was already a huge gagglefudge of idiots all talking about how they got laid the night before and spitting out the last of their tobacco remains onto the sidewalk - which I often step into and track back into my room.
Lovely.
The corpsman (nurse? I think so. I want to call him a nurse sometimes just to see his face turn red as he tried to stop the explosion in his brain from going straight to his overweight heart and killing him. Not that I'd mind whatsoever if it got to his heart. Pretty sure I'd poke him to make sure he was dead before I called 911. This is how awesome this guy is) comes out and screams some nasty words.
He doesn't like people talking.
When he asks you a question you answer "Yes" or "No".
Plain and simple.
Its completely outrageous. He screwed over my life last week so we aren't getting along so well. Actually I want to continually come to him with female problems. Like really gruesome ones. I'll think of something...ideas? STDs are a no-go but just about anything else...too bad I'm not a whore like everyone else or we could go somewhere with that...
Anyway.
Evil little man comes out and screams, inserts the word "Shall" into his sentences a lot and drops more f bombs than points we lost in the stock market last month.
After the screaming, Mr. Walter comes out.
This man is one of my hero's. He is sweeto. He oversees all of us kids waiting to start class and makes sure all is well. He is the closest thing to a Dad any of us have here.
He goes through around 200 names every morning, making sure we are all there. People don't pay any attention, just keep talking about blood being in weird places and spitting on the sidewalk. By my shoe. One of these days they are gonna miss and I'm going to back-kick a shipmate to the face.
It'll happen...I'm sure of it...

After muster is taken (its the Navy. We have the most retarded names for stuff. Seriously), Mr. Ruber arrives.
This man is about 5"6' (66 inches, just to help out your math Sixth), probly 138 pounds, and tan, with almost white hair, and has an almost Asian-like ageless quality. And he's buff. Like if you took 138 pounds and made it into pure lean muscle, this would be Mr. Ruber.
We call our PT sessions, Mr. Ruber PT.
If you have a six pack, you have Mr. Ruber abs.
If you go on a 12 mile run, you went on a Mr. Ruber run.
Chuck Norris checks under his bed for Mr. Ruber before he goes to bed.
If Mr. Ruber were immortal...we can't prove he isn't.
He could run a mile and a half in 7:30 at the age of 18. He runs it in about 8:00 now. Added on a whole 30 seconds in 30 years...that's a whole second a year.
He does one armed push ups while we do two armed. He does one armed pull ups while someone has to help me over the pull up bar.
He is in constant pain because of some sort of knee injury, but he still runs. Sometimes when he's on his meds though, he laughs out loud at us.
He is pretty much the craziest man you've ever met. Everyone loves him.
Then there is Mr. Evans, the swim instructor for kids who can't swim (like myself). He leads the league of Iron Ducks. We sink. Or at least think we're going to. Some of us used to wear floaties when we went to the deep end.
Yeah.
I was one of the handicapped kids.
Mr. Evans is the most perverted old man you've ever met. He once admitted to checking out my butt when I left the pool to use the bathroom.
But somehow its alright.
Don't ask me why. I'm pretty sure he's the only person in the world who can say the things he does without me turning around and elbowing him in the face. None of us can say why its ok when he says it, but it is.
Weird.
Don't ever try to get me to explain because I can't.
So there we all stand, all 200 of us, awaiting our instruction from our respective instructors.
"AIRCREW, ARE YOU FIT TO TRAIN?"
"HOOYAH!"
And off we march to the PT field where we proceed to have our butts handed to us for a couple of hours.
We march back.
We eat.
We repeat the exact same thing we were doing at 0620 and return an hour and a half later.
We shower.
We iron.
We muster again.
Why?
I don't know.
We eat.
We play.
We sleep.
And we wake up the next morning to repeat exactly what happened the day before.

Anyway.
Thats my day.
I've lost my storytelling ability.
Its freaking me out so I have to leave.
I used to be able to make all that into a glorious tale and I can't anymore.
Help.
Sixth - HAH! I MENTIONED YOU! WHAT NOW?!?!
Just kidding...well...not kidding...but you know what I mean...Anyway. Your "encouragement" was very encouraging...*cough cough* *laughing* Actually it was a twisted way of looking at things. So twisted it made me smile.
Carol - I found something that will make you happy in the back of my forms notebook...

TEN DAYS PEOPLE AND I'LL BE HOME FOR CHRISTMAS!!
LA DEE FREAKING DA!!!
-Shell
p.s. Now I'm off to re-injure my knee so the doctor will admit something is truly wrong with it instead of looking at me and telling me to stretch and ice it.
Carter and I wanted to kick each other in the shins until we couldn't walk anymore so we can get a discharge.
My sisters thinks they would catch on.
She hasn't met "them".
Idiots.
Complete idiots.

"Where you going?" "Mexico. I like tacos."

Good.
Grief.
I have been gone far too long.
I can't remember the last time I was here.
And life has changed for me dramatically since I first began this lowly blog.
Far too many people have read it that I never wanted to have read it. I have often regretted things I have wrote but have only erased my thoughts a few times, hoping that honestly in the end would prove to be the best road to travel. It often is. Verywell, it always is.

I am in Pensacola, and not enjoying myself very much. I will be honest - the military lifestlye and mindset does not suit me, as many people predicted it would not. For all of you out there smirking and saying "I told you so..."
Silence.
I already know.

I am at Aircrew Candidate School...and it is a candidate school. Like how there is officer candidate school? Same sort of setup. You have to pass, they can kick you out, and you are allowed to drop at any time.
And trust me, I've thought about dropping more times than I can count. Sometimes it is almost a physical battle against my mind to keep from simply stopping and saying "I'm done."
And yet at the same time I know it would be a physicaly mental battle to admit I was finished trying, that it was not for me.
I've never truly lost.
I always get what I want.
I am a spoilt, spoilt, spoilt little girl.
This I know.
I always know everything and when someone tells me "No." I generally change their mind or find a way to make "No." mean "Yes."
Is that messed up?
Yeah.
But its the way I am. I was raised to win.
Now I don't think thats the way my parents intended it to be. I look back now and I think I twisted around the things Dad would say to me and make them seem like he was trying to push me to be the best no matter what!
He isn't like that.
But I took his words and his actions and warped them to seem like he was pushing me to always exceed everyone around me.
I think I thought I was a lot better at things than I actually was...like soccer. I sucked at soccer. But in my mind I wasn't all that bad. Pride.
I have a slight problem with that too...

Not sure why this life update is turning into confession hour...

But God has taken care of me. I'm trying to figure out if this is where I'm supposed to be or if He wants to send me to Mass Communications school instead *hint hint hint hint hint hint cough cough cough*
And I think I secretly pray that I will be dropped from the program and be sent there. But the sad thing is, knowing God and the way my life tends to go, I'll be dropped and He'll be like "Well...about MC school...not so much...here, go be a corpsman."
And I'll be like "No."
But He is one guy that if you make His "No." a "Yes." you will live to regret it. As I am doing at this very moment. I know I wasn't supposed to join the military but I did. I worked my way around what I knew was right. And I'm paying a very heavy price for my pride. Very, very, very heavy price.
But He takes care of me. Always. Hasn't failed to do that yet.

So as I sit here and wallow in self pitty, almost wishing that I weren't hard working or motivated and that the instructors didn't have any respect for me, I have to continually remind myself that even though I made a mistake, He will take it and make it beautiful in the end. Painfuly...perhaps...but beautiful all the same.

I was able to go home and surprise the family (and Carol and sort of surprise Allen) for Thanksgiving! That was so much fun. I would take the day and 1/2 bus ride 20xs over to see the expression on my mom's face (And Katrina's!) again. I will never regret coming home, even if I couldn't really afford it and I spent more time on the bus than I did at home.
I don't care.
It was the best Thanksgiving I've ever had.

I do miss martial arts a lot.
A lot lot.
I miss the absolute certainty of it. The forms were always the same, no matter what. I missed the challenge and the power and assuredness I would feel in the dojo. Even if it was a terrible class and I was a complete failure during sparring, I would still leave with an incredible sense of accomplishment - I was doing something no one else does. Ok...a few people. But you know what I mean. I miss the people most of all I think. The jokes with Steve, the wisdom from Master Love, the innocent brilliance of Brandon, the inspiration of Mrs. Love, even the intimidation I always felt around Mark even when we were kids - he was the chubby 14 year old kid and there I was at 16 completely feeling like a fool when he would teach me something.
I miss all of it.
And I miss the security. It was always there. It had always been there. And it would always be there. That was more comforting than anything. When I was home I drove past the dojo and I just had to slow down and look at it for a moment, make sure it was there, make sure nothing was amiss, wish that I could climb those stairs and step onto that freezing cold floor, bowing as I came through the door. Even with the floor that always chipped and was falling apart, sometimes shoving huge splinters into your unsuspecting feet, even with the heat in the summer and the freezing in the winter, even with the smell of garbage that would come through the windows in the fall or the rain that would make it sometimes impossible to hear Master Loves instruction in the spring, and even when I was late to class and I knew that The Look was awaiting me, it is one of the most beautiful, peaceful places in this world.
I would be hard pressed to find a place more like home except for home itself.

Well, I am on a simple lunch break and must return to my duties for the day - which are very little seeing as I am waiting to see the doctor about my knee problems tomorrow so they won't let me PT with everyone else. I hate running but I've become accustom to it and its tearing me into small peices to be continually sitting around. I think I'll run tonight. Just to spite them...

I love you and miss you...all three of my readers! Hahaha! Let me know your alive, please?
-Shell

Courage is not always a roar. Sometimes it is that still small voice at the end of the day saying "I will try again tomorrow".

Here I am in Pensacola...
I know I've been MIA for quite some time.
Yes, it is true, what they say about sailors.
All they do is drink and smoke and cuss and fight and sit around.
Except for me! No drinking, smoking, cussing or fighting, and I work hard (comparatively) every day.
So all I do right now is work out. We go out, "get beat" for hours a day and then do whatever we want after 3:00. Its not bad. I get paid to be forced to stay in good shape!
I'm on hold at aircrew candidate school.
And I just realized I need to go do something NOW
I'll talk more later!!
-Shell

Boot Camp...= boring.

Ok.
So.
Boot camp.
Was boring. I am now an official United States Sailor. Hooyah.
Heh...
So I have a couple hours off this weekend.
Carol, I haven't call you and this is why - am with Fiancee this weekend :) If next week you get a random phone number on your phone - ANSWER IT. Its a payphone in IL, that I will have to use for a while cause I'm not allowed to have my cell for a while still.
This keyboard SUCKS so I'm not going to say anything else much except that I'm alive...didn't fall off any boats...yet...but they tuahgt us what to do if we DO fall off a boat. And told us that if you do, and they don't find you within the first 2 mins, you could end up as far as 20 miles away from the boat before they do. If they ever do.
Scary?
Slightly.
Love ya, miss ya, will perhaps give a detailed account later...
-Shell

Oh dear mother of roses and violets...I hate ignorant people.

I leave for basic at the end of July : ) And I will be absent for two whole entire months. And then often absent after that I suppose. Aircrew begins! Pain and agony begins...But I'm looking forward to it, not gonna lie. Is that sick and twisted? Probably.

I have been in a strange mode of lates. And I mean mode, not mood. I've kind of been on autopilot. I'm so tired and yet I just keep truckin' on. I'm so bored and yet I keep doing the same thing over and over. I'm so annoyed and yet I keep silent. I'm incredibly anxious and yet earily calm. I feel like I'm going to explode and yet I am more relaxed than I have ever been.

Its not good, friends. Its not good. I think I'm starting to freak out about leaving, about giving up control of what I do for the next six years. I wish other people were excited about my decision. The general reaction is "Wow...I didn't know that...I didn't know that...so your not going to keep singing? Or theatre? Because you really are incredible!"

Yeah? Well too bad. I'm tired of it. I mean, I love it. But I'm tired of it. So yeah...

I know I sound depressed but I'm actually not...I'm in a really good mood today. I'm tired, but in a good mood. Again! I want to lay down and sleep and at the same time I want to go on a couple mile run!

ANYWAY. Now that you know that Shell is a walking basket-case...

Yeah.
I'm trying to think...hhmm...I have a young protegie! He is young and he is overweight and he is leaving for the Navy a couple weeks after me. And I am beating him and its fun!
Beating means PTing...by the way...a beating in the military is just getting a harsh workout. And I'm not beating him very badly at all, actually. Poor kid can only do 50 pushups in 2 min and they are in terrible form at that! And only 30 situps. But then, I only got 97 yesterday and I was kinda annoyed about that. And only 60 pushups *super sad face* *super annoyed face*

I don't even know why I'm updating! I shoudld be memorizing my lines...*sigh*

Please, comment, let me know you are alive and breathing. I do care.
-Shell
P.S. I refuse to spell check or proof read before posting. HA!

Apprehensive much? Perhaps.

Apprehensive
Function:
adjective
Date:
14th century
1 : capable of apprehending or quick to do so : discerning
2 : having apprehension : cognizant
3 : viewing the future with anxiety or alarm

I'm gonna go with # 3.

I don't know why. I just suddenly felt an overwhelming sense of anxiety about...life.
I seriously am like, almost freakin' out. Its weird. I don't get like that very often. Ever, actually.
I kind of realized how much I have to get done before I leave for the Navy.
Including learn how to swim like a fish.
And run a couple miles (I used to be able to, but I stopped running for a while after I couldn't go Marine Corps and lost it), and do pushups forever and...SO MUCH STUFF!
And sometimes it just hits me that holycow! I'm actually going to start life! So far I've just kind of...lived.
I feel like I have no time. Like life is just coming at me a million miles an hour and I'm stuck to the ground, too afraid to move out of the way, part of me not wanting to because I want to know what it will feel like when it hits me.

I need to go write.
-Shell

It was the plan, it wasn't the plan...that wasn't the question...

So

Chicago was AMAZING.

I found some really fantastic "art"...on a doorway on State Street....

Also paid a visit to the Museum of Contemporary Art (Allen in apparently into modern art...who knew? Obviously not his girl friend...)

And found what looks to me to be a man upchucking. It was the sign for the water fountains....

And all in all, we had a great weekend, even when he stole my little sisters scarf (which...I stole from her...so fairs fair I suppose...)

AND my glorious sparkly silver hat...and wore them both...in public...I worry sometimes...I worry...*laughs*

Also, this last Friday I joined the Navy.

The one in the United States.

Controlled by the US government. So don't worry, no Blackwater for me. I will be doing "legal" things.

Aircrew.

Fun stuff.

Really.

I'm excited. Except for boot camp, which in the Navy is really lame'o'rhama.

Allen wasn't too happy, but he's ok now. I think. Or he's pretending. I can't tell over the phone. I hate the phone. Sometimes I want to smash it...

I have to learn how to swim now. I mean, I can swim to the point where I won't DIE, but otherwise...I'm going to look like a COMPLETE idiot in front of my recruiters. Which is stupid. I hate looking dumb.

I want to go to the gym today but I'm not going to have time. I went yesterday for a long time and my muscles don't hurt but my joints do. Which is stupid...I think my recruiter might make me go work out when I go up there for paperwork crap today. Greeeeaaaatt....just great. I workout alone, and I like it that way.

*mutters darkly*

I miss Allen.

I'm failing math class.

I'm a slacker.

I can't sleep at night.

And I haven't been to church in a long time. And want to go. But its Tuesday. So...its not gonna happen. I miss church...

Love,

-Shell

This is My Country

I can't really vent here anymore thanks to a retarded move on my part so...hi people. Wish I could tell ya', but I can't.

On another note, I'll be in Chicago this weekend! Hooray! Going to see Allen for a couple days and will be back Monday night. ALMOST Canada! Haha!

Excuse me while I go punch something really hard.

Speaking of which - I was singing the other day (making it up I believe) and I was wearing glasses but at a dramatic part in the song I tossed them onto the counter in mock frustration. I was also wearing a hat and at the high point in the song where the character finally just gives up (or whatever I had the character do) I whipped off my hat and went to chuck it across the room.
Unfortunately for me, when I can't see I have no depth perception. And I ended up punching the heck out of a chair instead.
It hurt.
Badly.
I have bruises.
I can finally bend all my fingers straight again, though! Hooray.

That crap about people protesting outside of a Marine Recruiting office and blocking off kids trying to enlist or the recruiters in to do their jobs made me angry beyond all reason.
So angry I cried because there was nothing I could do about it. It seriously broke my heart and made me sick to my stomach. How could you become so liberal that you are essentialy an alien in your own country?
Why don't we just get rid of the military? Eh?
Thing is there honey, that you gotta get rid of everyone elses too or else you'd be in some deep shyte. Please, excuse me while I go support the people that make sure I'm not obliviated by a nuclear missle.
Yeah.
And excuse me if I don't hesitate to punch you in the face if you ever try to throw your bullcrap on me. I have watched my friends and godparents and family and now, my best friend give their entire lives to their country. Sure, so far all of them are still alive. But I know every single one of them would die without question if it meant keeping the rest of the United States out of harms way. Keep them ignorant of the world around them.
But sure, why not? Why don't you spit on them in the streets? Why don't you picket against what they do for a living? Why don't you go protest their funerals? Why don't you do you best to make sure that less and less young people step up to the plate and defend your civil right to do so??
Oh wait.
You already are.

Please, excuse me while I weep for my country and what its people have become. Call me overly conservative and intollerant? Maybe that will balance your liberalism and ignorance.

You think we have an immigration problem? Think again.
-Shell

NEXT! Please, take your shoes off before passing through the metal detector.

So Sixth, I'm checkin' out Blackwater right now...I have never heard of it but these people ROCK! Too bad you have to be the craziest baddass EVER to join them! I'm tellin' Allen about these people...wow...I'm amazed...I like how their website is very vague about exactly what they do, but the pictures of men running in full gear carrying their M16s and SAWs pretty much answered all my questions. And the fact that you need to be qualified as things like a sniper, Army Ranger, and Navy SEAL in order to join helped with the mental picture I'm getting in my head. MAN, I WANT TO JOIN THAT!! Too bad America won't let women train to be assasins in the military. Stupid mothertruckers...ANYWAY, how did the crazy Canadian man know about this but the violence *COUGH* I MEAN ADVENTURE loving American had no idea??!!

I'm pretty much physched and I think I'm going to become obsessed with this "organization" really fast. I do that...like how I am just slightly obssesed with the SEALs. And a little with the SAS. And the Marines. Though that last one has become really painful to think and read about.

SO...I'm still confused as heck. If some crazy people who trained women to do crazy things (NO, prostitution does NOT count. I KNOW at least ONE of you went there so I'm callin' ya back, NOW) in the name of good (and ya know what, at this point, possibly evil) and all that, I would do it. I wish Robin Hood was around. Or I could be Mulan. I just want an frigging adventure with life threatening situtions! DO YOU MIND?!?! And people are like "No, Shell, you don't. When the time comes you won't."

But people, you don't understand, there are very fews things in this world sweeter than not being able to do something at first and then working your butt off and finally getting it. The thing I was looking forward too the most with the Marine Corps was boot camp and being deployed. I didn't even really care what I actually did in the Marines, I just wanted to go to boot camp and be the best one there, and be deployed to somewhere highly dangerous too see how it feels to get shot at. I've always wondered. And I think it would be the most mind blowing experiance EVER because you could die at any second! And it would make living so freaking sweet! But if you died then it'd all be over so...it wouldn't really matter. And if you were shot but didn't die then you would know how much pain your system could take.

I have a very sick and twisted mind.

Not gonna lie.

Carol, don't let your mom read this - I'll never be able to visit your family again!!

Sixth, don't let YOUR mom read this - I'll never...well...I don't know...she might have nightmares? Sure, we'll go with that. Heck, YOU might have nightmares! Still want me to email you? Think on that...*laughing* **and NOT the evil kind, though at this point I'm sure thats all you can imagine**

ANYWAY.
No plan.
No direction.
Floating.
Willing to work for money. Or for free cause I'm that bored.
Extremely willing to do something ridiculously stupid and dangerouse.
If you have any ideas (and Blackwater has already been used so think up something new here people cause I've got a lot of training to do before I can join those crazy baddasses) please, let me know.

Also I was supposed to talk to the Navy yesterday and they never showed up. Yeah. Thanks guys. Love you too. YOU CALLED ME! WHAT GIVES?!?! Jerks...thats why I wanted to join the Marine Corps! AAAAA!! *throws things around in complete frustration*

Yeah, I'm free to do whatever else I want.

Thing is.

I don't have anything I want to do except you know, things I can't like...train with Buddist monks for the next 5 years and learn to beat the living crap out of anyone (including my insane Navy SEAL boyfriend. Hello boyfriend...not that he reads this, being a baddass who doesn't like to read...) at any time. I really just want an adventure. ANY KIND of adventure. But where do I start?!!
I love you all (all...um...2 of you? Yeah. Sure. Why not?) and hope your doing ok.
Sixth, I'm off to email you the most innapropriate moments in cinema history.
-Shell

BUT INSTEAD

So I had messed up protien levels. Again
And I was Disqualified from the Marines.
And now I'm more depressed than I have ever been in my entire life. Ya'll know me - I bounce back like a freakin tennis ball. But I don't think I have ever cried so hard in my entire life. I honestly cannot remember ever crying that hard.
Apparently it is a symptom that can lead to kidney problems and diabeties???? THE HECK! I don't understand!
I work out at least 2 hours almost every single day. I have played soccer all my life, done martial arts, never been sick a day in my life! I honestly can only remember even having the flu a couple times in my entire life.
And I felt like this was really what I was supposed to do.
I have never been so confused. I am just...lost. I feel like I'm standing in this empty room without any doors. And its a really boring room with nothing to do and no where to go. I've never NOT had a direction to go. Ever. I have always known exactly what I wanted to do.
I just don't understand.
What now?
WHAT FREAKING NOW?!?!
I'm sorry you guys have to hear me rant. Its not something I should be yelling at anyone, I'm just so frustrated and I've never wanted a hug so badly. I don't really like hugs (unless they're from Allen and thats a different story, haha), I mean, they are ok and I hug people but I never WANT a hug.
And now I do.
But there is no one to hug.
People say they are sorry and "It must not be God's plan."
WELL THEN WHAT IS?!?! DO YOU MIND?!!?!
I hate crying. It sucks. And its hurting my eyes. I need to go take my contacts out...

Love you all, and miss you. SIXTH! Step lively my Candian friend! CAROL! Lets do something retarded this summer, eh?
-Shell

Yes, And Here You Are. Longest Story Ever.

I feel solicited...yes, Sixth, I feel a hint of filth overcoming my life...*gags*

You ask why the Marines or why the military in general?
Its one and the same and yet not.
And some days, I have no idea. Like last night I was phsyched! I was ready to go and wanted to run around like a crazy person except that I had to care for small children and was about to fall over from lack of sleep. Sort of...not lack of sleep really...it'll come later in the story!

Now sit back, grab some popcorn and whatnot my dear fellows because this story is a whopping big one and its not even really begun!! If you have that program that reads it out loud for you, I would advise to switch it on because I realize I have yet to give a true chronicle of my adventures leading up to the Marines and people...ITS TIME!
Plus I just love blogging *laughs* WRITING! It just makes me happy inside : )

OH! Before I forget...no...that will be in the story.
And so without freakinfurther ado! Here we go...

____________

I was fourteen years old when the first file containing my desire to join the military was filed. My dear Uncle came to visit the fall of my Freshman year in high school and he was in the Air Force. I believe by that time he had recently retired, but was still full of stories. I think he would still be in it if he hadn't gotten married - he enjoyed his time there for the most part. And I remember listening to his crazy stories about the countries he had been too and the fearful situations he had gotten himself out of and going "SWEET!!"

I was a patriotic kid (you people have no idea. I.E. When Bush won the 2004 election, my sister and I created posters which we attached to ourselves and wore the entire day that proclaimed his victory and our jubilation!), and the military was always something that struck pride in my heart. I would see people in uniform and it would just make me so proud of my country! I would see old vets saluting the flag and wish that I had earned the right to salute instead of doing the old Civy Hand-Over-Heart. But I was a kid, and there was yet time.

So during the time my Uncle was at our house, I was overcome with the sudden urge to eat yogurt in the middle of the night. Well, probably 12:30 or so. Being fourteen I couldn't drive, and my parents were ready for bed. But the Uncle was not! He said "LETS GO!" And we hopped in his car and went.

And somehow we got into the subject of the military. I have documented evidence of that evening (I was a crazy journaling fiend even then) and I told him that I would love to join! But only the Marines or the National Guard. Don't ask me why the NG, because I doubt I even knew what it was except for what my Uncle had told me. But I knew what the Marines were - the most kick butt soldiers in the world save for Special Forces.

He told me I could do it! He said it was something to be proud of! And I believe him and it stuck with me. I never forgot that conversation. Except that I did and remembered only after reading my old journals a few months ago! *laughing* And the more I read my old journals, the more I've found references to the military and most times, the Marines. They were freaking crazy! In my eyes they had no fear - they served their country and that was it. No questions asked. The End. That appealed to me for some reason and still does.

Years past and I was still on my theatre kick. I loved it, I breathed it, I lived it. Nothing else mattered more than being on that stage when those lights came up and knowing the audience was there and yet not caring one whit about it because you were about to give the performance of your life.
It didn't happen like that every time, but when it did it made all the other performances worth it.
Apparently over the years I talked about the Marines to others. My friends and siblings. My friends remember me and Allen talking about the military and how we wanted to join and thinking we were both crazy! Ha! Look at us now...WAY crazier than they thought we were!! And time passed and it always stuck with me. There were little brochure stands set up around my college with information on the Marines and I would pass them all the time and stare at them for a moment - but theatre was the goal and it takes a heck of a lot to change my mind about something.

But something changed in the fall of last year. I started to hate theatre. Not hate I suppose, but I lost the drive for it.
I have been on stage since I was four years old. Most people can't claim to have done anything for 15 years until they hit at least 35 or s0. I am 19 and I can! I have been on stage and loved it since I was 4. Burn out was bound to happen eventually (this is why I worry about child actors, but thats another story for another time).
And with burn out close at hand I began to wonder "What now??!!"
Theatre was my life and all I knew. Its still all I really know.
And the only other thing I had ever considered was the military. It appealed to everything in me that was patriotic and small town - which was most of me. Part of me said "Your out of your freakin' mind, Shell! No! DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT WOULD MEAN?!?!"

Well...no.

So I started to research.
The Marines.
Everyone else was pansies.
I looked them up. I wanted to know. I wrote about my desire to join and blogged it (not here), talked to a few people and the general response was "Your crazy."
And I was afraid.
That only fueled the fire.
I love conquering fear! Its one of my favorites! I love being afraid when you start and when you are done looking back and seeing that fear gone! Its like nothing else.

I poked around about it.

Then Allen joined the Navy and I just went "SUPER! What now?!?!" Because when you finally love someone, what they do jacks around with your life. I didn't feel like I could join the Marines or if I did, people would look down on me thinking that I had joined because of him, or that I had joined to spite him.
It was neither. I just wanted to do it.
He and I chatted about it and I honestly don't think he thought I would do it -that it was probly a fling or that I wouldn't mess around with our relationship that much.
How wrong he was...
He left for boot camp asking that I talk to his mother about the military before I decided to join. She had been in the Air Force.
I talked to her.
She said I could do it, but that it would probly mean the doom of mine and Allen's relationship.

And here people is where we see the crazy selfish side of Shell.

Either I didn't believe her or I was willing to take the risk.

I called the Marines.

And as I punched "Send" on my phone, my heart stopped and I just thought "What am I doing." And nearly hung up.
And when I heard a voice, my heart started again at about 150.
But it was only voicemail!!
I left them my information and hung up, thanking God that it had been that easy and a big part of me hoping that they never called me back.
Two minuets later the phone rings. I jump about a mile high and grab it with lighting quick fingers, flicking the top open to see the number I had just dialed moments before as the ID for the incoming call.
And I almost died. Right then. Death.
I almost didn't answer it. Almost let it go to voicemail.
But I looked at the slight reflection of myself on that little screen and thought "YOU ARE NOT A PANSY!! ANSWER THAT FRICKING PHONE!"
*pause*
*DEEP breath*
*wants to puke*
*MUSNT!*
"Hello?"
"Is Rachele there?"
"This is she."
"Rachele this is Staff Srgnt....."

And away the questions went. I can't remember a scarier phone conversation. We arranged to meet the next evening and I hung up, looked at myself in the mirror and said "WHAT HAVE I DONE?!?!"
And I'm sure it won't be the last time.
I somehow got up the courage to tell my parents what I was doing (I had never mentioned it to them. In five years, I had never said a word to them about it) and the next day I was off to my appointment.
I wanted to throw up.
I wanted to not show up.
I wanted to call and tell him that something came up and the Marines were not for me.
I was scared. Crazy scared.
But as I looked across the street from my car into the window of that office and saw those posters on the wall telling me to have courage, I somehow found the guts to get out of the car, walk across the street and open the door.

I swear they weighted that door on purpose.

I pull at it and I can feel it isn't locked, but that sucker is stayin there!!
I yank at the door and after a tug-O-war worthy of the Olympics, I hauled that sucker open and stepped inside.
VICTORY WAS MINE!
But then the scared out of my mind-ness came back with the vengeance.
BUT! I have had practice being a tough girl. I grew up being the tough girl. I didn't have many girlfriends in high school and the couple that I did were ok with me being the biggest tomboy I could be. I just muttered "Shell, PRETEND! Its what you do."

The guy behind the desk just looks like a normal guy. He isn't 9 feet tall with arms as big around as my head, with a voice like a movie trailer announcer and eyes that never loose the Thousand Yard Stare.
He's a normal lookin' guy. With a normal voice. And normal eyes. A bit of a Southern accent. And he smiles when I walk into the office. I like when people smile. I tend to smile too much I suppose, but it always makes me happy when people smile. And I found myself smiling right back and a bit of that fear slipped away.

He stood, introduced himself and I shook his hand with a bow in my trained Martial Arts custom. After taking a seat he got right to the point "So why are you interested in the Marines?"

AWAY WE WENT!!

And when I left that office, I knew it was for me.
I wanted that they had to offer me.
And I wanted it bad.

I took my Dad down there to meet the recruiter a few days later to ask questions so he would be more ok with it, and told the Srgnt I would call after the weekend to let him know for sure if this was something I wanted to do.

I cried on the way home that night, knowing that I was going to tell him "I want to be a Marine." and that my life would never be the same. Even if I was disqualified somehow, just making that decision would change who I was and how my family saw me.
Most of all, it would change Allen and I.

*pause*
FEAR.
But it was what I was supposed to do!! So he called and I said "Sir, I want to be a Marine."

Away my life went! Talk about lifes situations changing every 3, 6, and 9 months!!
But problems ensued!!
The first time I went to MEPS (which is the processing step. You go down and have a physical check up and take the ASVAB so they can tell if you are retarded or not. Though I know some seriously stupid people who scored ridiculously high on that test), my SS# had been entered into the system wrong and I had to sit all day. You go down on a Friday, stay the night in a hotel and get up at at 0400 to go process.
So at 0530 they tell me that I'll be sitting on my butt all day because the last 4 of my SS# were somehow the last 4 of my phone number!! I laughed. A little.
I sit. I wait. I leave. I go back.
And this time, all is going smoothly. I'm truckin' along!! I score an 86 on the ASVAB (not too shabby, but not as well as I would have liked), and I'm passing everything! EVERYTHING!! But the last step is a UA for your protein levels.
Now, I was really close to weight. I'm a lot of muscle, not gonna brag or anything at all, I just have a lot. And if I would have known they could measure body fat instead of simple weight I wouldn't have worried at all. But since I thought I had to be under the number for a normal 5'2 person and I was over by two pounds, I did the ol "Starve Myself" song and dance.
If you go a week with under 600 cals a day, still working out, you are gonna have SOMETHING jacked up by 1300 on the eighth day.
My protein levels were through the roof!! They also told me being PMS was a problem too.
Whoops. Sorry. NOT THAT I CAN HELP IT!!

I was told I would have to come back.
Great. Just great.
I couldn't come back for almost a month!! But I determined to stick it out.
Allen came home for Christmas, we talked about it (I had written him while he was at boot camp telling him I was going for it and he wasn't too jolly about the whole thing...) and he wasn't ok with it but he was in that twisted way. He left to start his pre-training for the Navy SEALs and I tested for my black belt and went back down to MEPS.
Well, tried. But the second reason for my protein levels being messed up came back and we had to switch to the next week.
In between there was a pool meeting! Which is where all the Marine recruits get together and have physical tests and play football and listen to lectures and whatnot. I went.
Twenty-five men.
And myself.
Strike that, there were very few men there. Mostly just boys who wished they could do as many sit ups as I could. SUCKERS!! *ahem*...competative...sorry...
And I had a great time!
That a lie.
It wasn't that much fun. But I took the Initial Strength Test and scored well - only the run kicking my butt a bit - and played football (and sucked at it because you were disowned in my family for playing football so I never learned).
Went back down to MEPS.
But the shuttle driver was 3 hours late and by the time we got there, the Marines and Medical had left. So I wasted yet another day.
When my recruiter picked me up from the shuttle stop he looks at me and just shook his head.
"Rachele...Rachele...I...I am sorry. This has never happened. I was just talking to the Staff Srgnt and Srgnt Mitch about it. And we...we don't know! The recruiting contractor gods hate you or something, and we don't know why!!"
Next Monday.
I hope.
*starts laughing*
Every time something goes wrong I just want to do it more!!
And yet a moment later I become scared that it must be a sign that I'm not supposed to join.

WHY ME?!?!

And the biggest thing holding me back is Allen.
Holding back is a nasty way to put that. As if its the Old Ball-And-Chain situation.
Its not.
I love this guy.
And I want to be able to see him
And hello! Fraternization! Crap!!!

Anyway.
Thats a simple, very short version of the story.
Don't laugh.
I'm serious.

So! By the end of the month - if all goes as planned - I will FINALLY be sworn into the Marines.
If all goes as planned...

I love you all! Sixth, I hope you are doing better than the last time we spoke. I was in MI not too long ago! Almost Canada! Hahahaa!!

-Shell